The Key to a Happy Marriage: Not-So-Safe Sex

In my last column I wrote about Harry who came for therapy because he was having an affair.  I felt compassion for Harry when he revealed at the next session that his wife had discovered his affair.  I felt for his wife Alice, too.  Being sexually betrayed by a spouse is especially devastating and cuts to the core of our sense of safety in our world.

After Harry’s wife discovered his affair, his ambivalence about giving up the other woman was resolved.  The awareness of his wife’s pain and the fear of losing his marriage changed everything for him.  The thought of trysts with Sally were no longer tempting.  Once the stark light of day shone upon his fantasy relationship, he saw that it was full of flaws.

Harry asked me to meet with him and his wife to help save his marriage.  The next several months of therapy were focused on helping them work through the anger, pain and grief attached to the affair.  This can be a very challenging process (which I will address in a future column. In the meantime, a helpful book is “After the Affair” by Janis Abrahms Spring). 

Once the initial crisis abated, we started doing the marital and sexual work that they should have done years earlier.  Harry and Alice needed to find the courage to move beyond emotionally safe sex; they needed to bring hot sex back into their marriage.  Thankfully it was not solely up to Harry to bring back the passion: as a joint project it had a higher likelihood of success.

We started talking about their parent’s sex lives. Harry’s father had left his mother for another woman, only to end up with another stale (and likely sexually dead) marriage. While Alice’s parents were still married, her mother had indicated that sex was not an important part of the marriage. Clearly both of them had to commit to building something different and better than what they had seen.

Further, they needed to confront complacency and embrace change.  Complacency leads to emotionally safe sex which runs the risk of becoming boring, stale and eventually killing the sex drive of one or both participants.  When I asked them each to describe emotionally safe sex they painted the same picture: brief kissing leading to cursory touching, etc.  Her goal was to help him get erect.  His was to help her lubricate so that they could have intercourse. There was little passion or drama, just the following of a mutually agreed upon and predictable script that read: Touch here first, then here, then do this, then do that, and then it’s over.

When I asked Alice what she preferred, her description surprised her husband.  With some prompting, she admitted that she wanted him to “take charge” and be “more assertive” with her.  I went out on a limb and asked her if she really meant that she wanted him to be more aggressive and dominating.  At first she protested, but when she defined “assertive” she agreed that her description sounded more like “aggressive and dominating” than assertive.

This drama was what Harry had found so appealing with Sally during his affair. He had wanted to enact this with Alice, but because they had not risked sharing their deeper desires with each other, he assumed that she would not be interested in this kind of sex.

Harry and Alice gradually became honest and open enough with each other that they were able to bring some real passion back into their marriage. The affair had shown them that they needed to hold hands and leap out of the “comfort zone” that nearly destroyed their marriage.

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.   

Sex: Power Play, Animal Instinct. Sometimes It's Good to be Bad

What turns you on? 

I’m not talking about where and how you want to be touched.  I’m asking you to think about what is the fantasy underlying your sexual desire. As I said last time, there are two broad forms of fantasy; one is the fantasy of soul-level, tender love so popular with intimate 21st century lovers. The other is the fantasy of power and submission that has dominated animal and human sexuality since all this got started.

So in this column, let’s talk about power and submission. Why? Because if the only way that you get turned on with your spouse is through the fantasy of tender love, then you’re leaving out a lot of the juice that drives sex for most couples.  Couples that only allow one fantasy to drive their sexuality eventually become bored and may give up on sex all together.

Think about your most passionate lovemaking experiences; I’d be willing to guess the experience was one where you were either being powerful or submitting to your partner’s power.  While one position actively expresses power or dominance, both positions are very powerful. 

In Passionate Marriage, author David Schnarch describes how couples often avoid passionate sex because it may involve expressing “aggression” with someone you love. Aggression or power is considered “bad” because love is “supposed to be tender.”  This is another twist on the Madonna/Whore paradox where a woman who likes sex too much is “bad.”  As Schnarch puts it, “Some people become sexual vegetarians in marriage but carnivorous in extramarital affairs.”  We are by nature animal and vegetable lovers, and if we dismiss or ignore one of these parts of ourselves, half of our nature is being denied expression.  

So what happens when we deny an important part of our self?

My new client Harry paused before telling me why he had called to start therapy. “I’m married but I’m having sex with another woman…I don’t know what to do and I’ve tried to give up the other woman… but I can’t.”

A Dr.-Phil-type-therapist (with little interest in unraveling a messy life) might tell Harry to simply quit having sex with the other woman. ‘Did you make vows to her?” he might ask.

Harry proceeded to reveal how his lover, Sally, was so much better in bed than his wife, describing all the things that she did.  I asked Harry if he was different sexually in the affair. “Of course I am. When a woman does all of that, it’s easy to be completely turned on.”

“So you were following her lead the whole time?” I asked. “Um, no. We both were leading.”

I asked Harry to describe sex with the other woman and sex with his wife. Here is a synopsis:

Harry and his wife, Alice, had sex that followed a safe and predictable script.  He would begin by kissing her gently.  Then he’d kiss her neck and stroke her breasts before touching her genitals. At some point, she would touch his penis at which point Harry would usually come in three or four minutes.  Occasionally, he would give his wife oral sex although most of the time following his orgasm they would simply hold each other and “not pressure her by trying to have her have an orgasm.”  Harry was always careful not to cause his wife to feel rushed or pressured.

How did Harry and Sally do it?  They whisked away to her apartment and upon entering the door Harry grabbed Sally and pulled her to him. He pressed his pelvis to her and she pressed back. At some point they ended up on the rug and he managed to get his pants off. He moved her panties to the side, entered her and thrust quickly until he came.  They lay on the floor like sweaty animals until they began kissing again and became aroused. They could go on like this seemingly forever.

Forever is a long time, however.  I have the benefit of working with couples over time, and I have met Harrys and Sallys that began looking like Harry and Alice.  Harry and Sally fall in love and eventually begin to make love by being tender and sweet.  They become uncomfortable showing love that includes the power to overtake another and the desire to be overtaken.

I asked Harry if he and his wife ever had sex like that early on in their relationship.  He slowly almost begrudgingly admitted that “there was some of that the first couple of years.”  In fact, he recalled a few encounters that were almost identical to his experience with Sally.

So, the question for Harry is not how does he choose between this woman or that woman. It is how does he bring his carnivorous energy back into his marital bedroom?

(Hint: It isn’t by doing it with another woman.)

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  He is a regular ShareWIK.com columnist. Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.  

Sex: Using Sexual Fantasy to Enhance a Couple's Experience

In my last column, I talked about clumsy lovers and how to help your spouse better understand what you need sexually and how you’d like it.  This time I’m going to focus on what makes a good lover or, better yet, what makes for good loving.

The first thing that is required is that good lovers are present in the experience. Sex can and should be a full sensory experience. Smells, tastes, sounds, sights, and of course the experience of touch itself provide us with the experience of pleasure. If you are absorbed in all of your senses, you are present.

For many of us it is so easy to get off that we can have sex with our eyes closed and still have an acceptable orgasm. This is not an optimal way to have sex, however. Sex is more personal when you are looking at your partner and when he is looking at you. 

It is more personal, yes, and also more psychologically “threatening” because it makes you vulnerable.  But consider for a moment that it is this psychological threat  and vulnerability in the experience that makes us more present and thus more completely aroused.  Because when we go outside of our comfort zone our senses awaken.

(Please note that being present in an actual dangerous experience is NOT what I’m talking about here.)

This brings us to the topic of fantasy. Sexuality is guided by fantasy.  There is usually a fantasy that brings about the desire for sex. I’m not talking necessarily about active thought out fantasies, though those certainly work.  I’m talking about unconscious fantasies that drive our desire for sex.

There are two primary fantasies that fuel sexuality that most couples “play with’ at various times. One is the fantasy of tender love between soul mates. The other is a fantasy of power and submission or taking and being taken.

Most couples engage in some form of both of these and both can be “played with” within the same love-making.  Thinking back on my last column, sometimes clumsiness is the result of one person wanting tender loving sex while the other wants to take or be taken, and neither wants to engage in the other’s fantasy.  

Many couples will eventually drop one of the fantasies and just do whatever is the least anxiety-producing.  These couples usually become bored with their sex life and one or both eventually loses their desire to be sexual.

Next time I will talk more about the normal human fantasy of power and submission.

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC. 

My Husband is a Clumsy Lover. Can You Help Me?

I’m honoring a question that came in from a reader who asked me to write a column that might help her sexually clumsy husband of 20 years become a better lover.  

Leaving aside that “sexual clumsiness” might represent difficulties in the relationship, let’s explore the situation from this angle:  the couple has had good sexual relations in the past, is in a connected relationship, but one or both experience the other as clumsy, or unable to be “good in bed.” 

When it comes to sexual clumsiness, the bottom line is this:  It is a result of not being present in the sexual experience. Of course, other factors contribute, but if you’re not present, you’re going to come across clumsy at best. 

  

There are really two types of clumsy lovers.

1.   One, is a lover who is generally disconnected (e.g. distracted and in his head).   The disconnected or distracted lover is thinking instead of experiencing his senses. If we look at the sexual problems I’ve discussed in previous columns the one common ingredient to the problem is a lack of being able to be present in one’s experience. If you are worried about erections or coming too quickly or whether or not you will have an orgasm you are not going to be present, right?  Instead of being present, you’re in your head worrying about something and not focusing on your own and your partner’s experience. 

The solution for this is to open your eyes and make a point of having direct eye contact during foreplay and sexual intercourse.  Try to make yourself become hyper aware of the smells, taste and feeling of every part of your lover, awakening and experiencing love making using all of your senses.

2.   A second reason someone might be a clumsy lover is because he doesn’t know his way around his lover’s body.  This clumsy lover doesn’t seem to touch you in the right place at the right time or in the right way. I’m guessing he may feel insecure about making you happy and so has stopped trying. 

Have you been unable to tell him what you really like for fear of hurting his ego? So instead of telling him what you like or dislike, do you just lie there and hope he guesses? Or do you subtly let him know he’s not doing a very good job without telling him what you WOULD like?  

I understand it’s easier for many women to complain than it is to ask directly for what they want, particularly sexually. You don’t want to look like you like it too much, or you’re a “bad girl”—so you don’t say, “Ooh, a little to the left, or “keep doing that,” or “slow down a bit.” Find a way to give him feedback that is positive, but direct.  As in saying, “Do This,” and not saying, “Stop doing that!” 

Another approach is to guide his hands with yours, whisper in his ear what you want. You can take control a little bit, rather than wait for him to stumble through. 

If you do this, please do NOT worry about whether he finds this too aggressive or controlling or intimidating. That is not your problem. 

Sexuality expands and improves when each individual takes responsibility for his or her own pleasure and lets the other take care of himself. 

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist. Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.  

Eight Tips Women Can Use to Help Her Man Overcome Premature Ejaculation

In my last column, I outlined the “Squeeze Technique,” a masturbation technique that if used consistently will allow a man with Premature Ejaculation (PE) to better manage (or slow down) his orgasm.

Most men who come to me for help with PE are married, yet they come to therapy alone. Their wives are often frustrated and, not having penises themselves, unsure about how to solve the problem.  Men with premature ejaculation typically do not want to talk about it, which inevitably makes the problem worse. 

I described a client with PE named Larry.. After a few sessions, despite a less-than-perfect sexual encounter with his wife, the improvement in communication allowed Larry’s wife to view him more kindly.  She decided to join him for therapy. 

What follows is an outline of general principles I gave Larry and his wife over the course of several sessions they could use to work together to help his PE.  The bottom-line is this:  PE is curable. 

8 Tips A Woman Can Use to Help Her Man Overcome Premature Ejaculation

1.     If necessary, encourage him to seek professional help.  Appreciate how difficult it can be for a man to see a therapist to discuss this problem. Offer to accompany him so that you are both on the same page.

2.     Don’t be judgmental or bring up sexual problems during arguments.

3.     View PE as more of an Anxiety Problem than a Sexual Problem.  

4.     Viewing this as a “Masculinity Problem” will only increase his Anxiety Problem.  

5.     Be thankful that your partner is learning to be sexual with you. He has probably been more conservative sexually than his “womanizing” friends.

6.     While your man may be anxious in general (e.g. he may be Type A or stressed out) his more specific concern is Performance Anxiety.  The harder he tries to NOT have an orgasm, the more his body tenses; the tighter are the muscles related to sex, the more quickly he may come. Take the pressure off by being willing to experience pleasure in ways other than intercourse.

7.     Slow down and focus on the overall experience, not just the finish. Make sure you each take time in foreplay, include massage of non-sexual areas.

8.     Learn to apply the squeeze technique as a masturbation technique to actual sex with a partner.   Here’s how:  During slow foreplay, masturbate him and let him to teach you how to squeeze to reduce his intensity. When he enters, allow him to control the thrusting (Remember this is NOT how you will do things the rest of your life).  When he is several seconds from orgasm, he should withdraw and squeeze at the base of his penis, holding for 15-30 seconds. He should then re-enter and repeat if his arousal has lowered enough.

As a variation, particularly after a few prior sessions, the woman might be on top and move slowly herself. When her man signals her, she should withdraw and squeeze at the base of his penis. Since for many men the arousal is higher during intercourse than during masturbation, the period of squeezing might need to be more prolonged and the period after squeezing and needing to squeeze again might be shorter. This will change after doing this often.

Most women like their clitoris’ to be manually stimulated during intercourse. During the period where your partner is squeezing himself, you can continue to manually stimulate yourself or have him do it if he was already doing it (and if he is dexterous enough).  Finally, allow your man to come inside of you (assuming you have taken the proper precautions concerning pregnancy and STD protection). If you have not had an orgasm and wish to, your partner should focus on your pleasure. When you are finished, talk about what went right. Tell each other what you liked during sex and what you'd like more.

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.  

Premature Ejaculation: Four Steps of the Squeeze Technique

Men who ejaculate prematurely almost always masturbate too fast. Last week I shared a first therapy session with Larry, a young man who ejaculated almost immediately after entering his wife. (click here to read that column)

When Larry returned for our next session, he told me he had masturbated every day since our last session.  Although he found it difficult to fit it into his busy life, he was committed to the process. When I asked Larry about using the techniques I had mentioned in the last session, such as squeezing at the base of his penis when he felt himself becoming too aroused and moving his hand more slowly, he sheepishly admitted he hadn’t really done “too much with that part of the homework.”

As it turns out, Larry had masturbated pretty much as he always had, hoping that by masturbating daily he would see a change. When I asked if he felt more control over his orgasm and if he had paid more attention to the sensations, he said, “No.”  He heard me suggesting he should masturbate daily, but overlooked the part that was hardest for him: changing his speed and focus during sex.

When men and women masturbate they train their bodies in sexual behavior. If they masturbate fast and furious that is how their body will want to have sex. If they masturbate in a manner that simulates good sex with a partner they will probably be able to have sex that way. Most women do not really appreciate sex done fast and furiously (at least not all of the time) the way that Larry was practicing.  And part of masturbation is to learn to manage the sensitivity of sexuality. 

When masturbation is done too quickly, you can’t learn to manage this sensitivity.

The “squeeze technique” is a method that allows men to eventually learn to manage their excitement during sex. There are different variations and methods but here is a rough outline of how I describe the technique to my clients:

1. Begin masturbating as usual until you reach a full erection. At that point, squeeze your penis at the base holding it firmly for seven to ten seconds. Then begin moving your hand at a slow pace while you let yourself fantasize a very arousing fantasy. (At other times, you can of course use pornography. Basically, the more vivid and exciting the images, the better because this allows you to more closely simulate sexual intercourse.)
2. Masturbate until you get to a place several seconds before the point of no return.  At that point, squeeze your penis at the base, holding it for fifteen to thirty seconds (You squeeze it long enough to reduce the sensitivity, returning to masturbation before you lose your erection).
3. Begin masturbating again, making sure to slowly stroke yourself.  When very aroused but several seconds before the point of no return, squeeze at the base of your penis again. After squeezing for several seconds again slowly move your hand allowing yourself to become aroused. This time, instead of fantasizing, close your eyes and focus all of your attention on the sensations created by the movement of your hand. Vary your strokes, making sure that if you become too excited you stop and squeeze. You want to vary the speed, the tightness of your hand, and maybe even the depth of your fantasy if you want to add that back into the process.
4. You will masturbate like this, varying from movement to squeezing, for at least ten to fifteen minutes.

Please note that men will often have “accidental orgasms,” which means they are not timing correctly (or sensing) that point of no return before ejaculation.  This is just part of the learning process.

Larry left our second session having learned that men who used this technique gradually have firmer erections, are able to delay orgasm so that they can more fully satisfy their partner, and report more intense and gratifying orgasms.

That’s a lot for one technique, no?

There are several hitches, however. The technique usually requires some modifications and additional coaching for the client to fit the technique to his pattern of sexual responsiveness. Many times men try the technique and if it doesn’t “work” immediately they give up.   Please let me encourage you to have patience.  Changing a lifetime pattern of sexual behavior takes time.  And of course, things can get tricky with the transition from masturbation to sex with a partner.

Larry tried the technique for a week before approaching his wife. When he did initiate sex, he was very anxious that he wouldn’t satisfy her.  His anxiety caused him to slip back into his old pattern, rushing through foreplay, moving quickly during intercourse and coming within the first few seconds of entry.

Fortunately Larry and I met the next day.  I reassured him and reminded him that changing a lifetime pattern takes time.  But something fundamental in his pattern of relating to his wife HAD changed. After his premature orgasm, instead of turning away from her, he expressed this frustration openly.  He told her how upset he was that he hadn’t lasted long enough for her and that he had hoped his work with me would change that. She listened and reassured him, sharing how happy she was that he was seeking help and that he was now talking to her instead of pulling away.  

They discussed coming to the next session together and fell asleep in each other’s arms. 

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC. 

Know Your Man Better During Sex: Tips to Stopping Premature Ejaculation

Larry called for help with premature ejaculation (PE). He left a message saying he was convinced his wife was going to divorce him because of his “sexual issues.” When I met him in the waiting room he raced past me to my office and fell into his seat. He shook his head from side to side and struggled for words.

“I’ve put off getting help for twenty years,” he finally said. “I just couldn’t face it. I’ve had a problem with PE since my first girlfriend and I just thought it would go away.”

Larry then described a characteristic pattern among men who come for help later in life with PE. With his first girlfriend, he came too quickly during intercourse and soon started to avoid sex with her because he found his quick orgasm embarrassing. She broke up with him which he attributed to having a sex problem. With her and subsequent relationships, Larry was so fearful about coming too quickly that he only had sex when he couldn’t avoid it and had continued that pattern with his wife. 

He and his wife had been married for two years.  They had begun arguing often about sex. While he was very attracted to his wife, he never initiated sex which left her feeling that he didn’t find her sexually attractive. When she initiated sex, he would invariably come as soon as he entered her. Following his quick orgasms, he would become embarrassed and roll over and try to go to sleep.

Larry indicated that at first his wife was initially understanding of his quick orgasms but now she was furious. She felt like he wasn’t interested in her as a woman and was simply selfish, all he wanted to do was to have his orgasm and roll over and go to sleep.  

When they first argued about sex, Larry admitted to his wife that he was actually avoiding sex with her not because of a lack attraction for her, but because he knew he would come too quickly. He told her that his rolling over was out of embarrassment and that not only was he not going to sleep quickly he often tossed and turned until the wee hours replaying his humiliation.

At first his wife was relieved by this, but now, several months later with the problem still occurring she had decided that Larry’s problem was “complete self-absorption. “What about me,” she asked. “Did he ever think about her in all of this?” 

Since Larry seemed mystified by his wife’s reaction I asked him to view it from her perspective. Her husband never initiated sex. When they did have sex her rushed through foreplay erroneously thinking that hurrying to get to intercourse might help him last longer. When he had an orgasm, which was in fact pleasurable for him, his wife was left alone sexually unsatisfied and emotionally abandoned. While he was leaving her because of shame, he was in fact leaving her.

After Larry finished telling his story I had only ten minutes to try to help get off to a good start in slowing things down. I asked how often he masturbated (once a week) and how long it took him to orgasm when he masturbated (a minute or two). “ 

Is it because you’re so sensitive that you come that quickly when you masturbate?” I asked.

“No, I just try to get things done as quickly as possible,” he answered. 

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I’m kind of embarrassed to be masturbating in the first place.”

“So you’re embarrassed that you’re like everyone else in the world and occasionally having to masturbate?” 

“I guess,” he admitted.

“Well I’m going to try to change that because if we can change that we can help you gain more control over your orgasm. That’s what you want, right?” 

Larry nodded.

“Larry I’m going to ask you to commit to masturbating six of the next seven days. Do you think you can do that?” 

Larry looked at me with confusion.

“Not only that, I’m going to ask you to slow it down. I want you to masturbate and take your time. Linger over the feelings. If you feel like you’re getting close to coming I want you to squeeze your penis at the base and hold it for fifteen or thirty seconds. Until you feel your excitement go down significantly. When you start back, start back very slowly. I’d love you to be able to go through this over a period of about ten minutes before coming. You think you can do that?” 

Larry nodded slowly.

“Your wife thinks you’re selfish because you are in fact so preoccupied with your own orgasm that you don’t have a way of being present for her. This will start youon the road to being able to manage your orgasms so you can pay attention to her.” 

Larry smiled and agreed to accept his mission.

Next time I will tell you what happened when Larry and hundreds of men like him return to therapy. (click here to read)

The technique I described above is a first step toward using something called “the squeeze technique” to help men learn to better manage their orgasms. Also, in my next article I will describe the technique in more detail including how individuals and couples can add it to their lives.

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.