I was procrastinating the other night and came upon a blog on the Psychology Todaywebsite written by a psychiatrist and a freelance writer who have written a book together, titled, The Tiger Woods Syndrome. (Talk about capitalizing on another’s pain!) The book by Dr. Jerry Burns and R.A. Richards is purportedly about repairing relationships.
The following passage from their blog supposedly gives women THE KEY to understanding men:
How often have you women readers heard a female friend complaining about her spouse, describing a litany of obnoxious traits and grumpy disposition? Then when asked why she would have ever married such a boorish lout, her response is, "Well, Frank was nothing like this when we were dating.”
Women readers, that is the key (my emphasis) to understanding men. Men aren't their true selves when they are dating you. They seek superficial values, hide their true feelings and conform to win their dream girl. Commercials, television shows, movies and even music drum into men's brains that conformity and deception are part of the dating and mating scene. Men readers, admit it...these are our culturally ingrained techniques to "successful" dating.
In my opinion, their book is somewhere close to the last book you should ever read if you truly want to understand men and improve your relationship. Granted, there are a small percentage of women married to severely disturbed men who should run—not walk—away from their marriages. Similarly, there are some men married to women with severe character problems who should get out.
The rest of us need to recognize that we are as screwed up as our partner. It’s not: Men Good, Women Bad or vice versa. The superficial culture, early family life and chromosomes pretty much guarantee that both genders will be pretty inept at figuring out this whole relationship-thing.
Both men AND women love to complain about the “obnoxious traits and grumpy dispositions” of their spouses, but these are not reasons to leave or brand the other with a new fancy label (“Hey Jan. I finally understand Ralph; he has Tiger Woods Syndrome!”). The authors are promoting a narrative as silly and damaging as narratives of bygone days (e.g. All Women are Stupid). That is, All Men are Bad in Relationships.
Over the past 23 years I have worked closely with hundreds of men in psychotherapy. I have gained a tremendous amount of respect for these regular guys who are working on improving their relationships. They genuinely want closer, more intimate relationships with their wives and family members. They actually come to therapy of their own volition, not kicking and screaming, as many writers like to portray.
Not surprisingly, however, at some point these men complain about their partners, trying to sell me (and themselves) the story that their wives performed a “Bait and Switch.” “When we were dating, she wanted sex all the time. She cooked special meals for me. She was sensitive and loving, but no more. Now I see who she REALLY is.”
(Note how similar this sounds to the way the authors describe the ways wives talk about their husbands.)
I do not, however, agree that their wives conned them in the past and are currently the source of all their misery (as the authors apparently do with the women they describe). Instead, I get them to try to understand how they are now different, and how being in the relationship has changed them both. If they want improvements, they need to discover how they can make positive changes within the relationship. I refuse to accept their story of victimization, blame, and hopelessness; this would only reinforce their lack of responsibility and fuel the belief that finding a better wife is the answer.
This level of honesty is not easy, but sometimes saying the things that people don’t want to hear is the best gift I can give. While we secretly yearn for support for our position of Goodness and our partner’s Badness, in fact we need friends/therapists/authors who will say something closer to the Truth.
Lori Gottlieb, author of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough begs for this level of honesty from her friends. As she puts it, “instead of a frenzied pack of enablers nurturing our self-delusion, what we need is someone brave enough to give us the truth.”
Why don’t friends confront our delusions? Have you ever listened to a friend blame her problems on someone else and tried to talk sense into her? If you start with, “Do you want to know what I really think?” chances are she will say “Yes” but mean, “Not if you don’t agree with me.” If you have the courage to speak an uncomfortable truth, chances are your friend could get defensive and upset with you, which could truly test the friendship. If you are lucky and the two of you stick with it, you may experience your relationship at a much deeper level than before you were honest. But it’s a scary road to travel so many just agree!
Many therapists and authors succumb to this same basic human fear, too. They just want to be loved! A therapist may reinforce your self-delusion because they are afraid that if you feel too uncomfortable in the office that you may not return for another session or worse you might come back with anger. As for authors, writing a book basically called “Men Bad, Women Good” or to reverse it, “Bitches and Hoes,” will attract a significant segment of the market (e.g. people who like to blame others for their misery).
I urge you to seek and speak the truth. It isn’t easy.
Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist. Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.
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