Friday, November 16, 2012

Seven Habits of Highly Successful Couples


Here are seven habits of people who thrive in their intimate relationships. 

This list is based on research, writings of experts in the field and my own observations as a couples’ therapist.  Few people achieve all of these: for most of us, these are goals towards which we strive.  If you and your partner develop these habits, then your offspring will learn by osmosis… and the rest of the planet will benefit. 

1.   Successful couples let go of little things. Dwelling on inconsequential problems or individual differences between you actually makes those things bigger and more entrenched. Accepting that your partner is different from you and can at times be annoying and inconsiderate is essential to a lifetime of happiness.

2.   Successful couples talk about important problems. When they are upset they have the courage to bring it up.  Otherwise, they will begin to resent their partner, and resentment will lead to emotional distance, which will lead to resentment… and on and on.

3.   Successful couples give each other much more positive than negativefeedback.  For 50 years, couples’ researcher John Gottman and his associates have observed and followed couples.  Those with a Five to One ratio of Positive to Negative stay married and are much happier than those with a lower ratio.

4.   Successful couples discover and express love in ways that are important to the other. Gary Chapman in The 5 Love Languages points out that you and your partner may have different preferred ways of expressing love and experiencing love.  These five Love Languages are: Words of Affirmation; Quality time (full undivided attention); Giving small and Large gifts; Acts of Service (the tasks that keep the household afloat); and finally Physical Touch (hugs, kisses, hand holding, sitting close, and, yes, sex).   Just because you think you are showing love does not mean your partner is feeling the love!  

5.   Individuals in successful couples are productive and take good care of their own health and well-being.  Doing this leads to positive energy, a better over-all mood, and improvements in all aspects of life-- including the relationship.

6.   Successful couples respect and empathize with one another.   This prevents each member from harming the other, and allows for more rapid forgiveness and healing when they do.  They do not waste time on assigning blame, and they own their part in conflicts and problems.

7.   Successful couples view their relationship as a work in progress, an evolving creation that will grow over time.  They respect their history and together they develop a shared vision of their future.


Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.   

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Why is he...just not that into you?


A seasoned psychiatrist (known for telling it like he thinks it is) referred Anne to me.  He left this message on my voice mail: “She wants to see you for help with her husband. She’s thirty, stunningly gorgeous, executive of some type, says her young husband has no interest in her sexually.  My guess? He’s either gay or having an affair.”

Anne was indeed very attractive. Tall and graceful, she sat across from me, and without a hint of hesitation, launched into her story.  As she described the absence of sex in her one-year-old marriage, she shifted from tears to anger and back to tears.  She was married to the man of her dreams, and they’d only had sex three times.

“Here’s the worst part. When we do have sex it’s just awful.  One time he woke me up and just sort of put himself inside me with no thought as to whether or not I was ready. The other times were almost identical. The truth is he is wonderful and sensitive everywherebut in the bedroom.”

Believe it or not, the two of them had not discussed this situation.  Anne had hinted that there was a problem during the first few months, but when she brought it up he dodged her questions. “The best he could come up with was that he was under a lot of pressure at work and he’d had stomach problems that made him avoid sex.”

I had a few guesses as to what was going on with him (none of which included that he was gay or having an affair). We decided I should meet with him alone before we all got together.

When I met David, I immediately could see that they were a good match aesthetically-speaking.  Like her, he was impressively handsome; he was tall, good-looking, and carried himself in an easy, confident manner.  Unlike Anne, David was hesitant to talk.  He looked away from me, and then finally said, “I should have come here a long time ago.”

“I’m glad you’re here now; I know you and Anne are struggling sexually.”

He looked at me and then away again, struggling to find the words.  Eventually he offered: “I love Anne and don’t want to lose her.”

“She doesn’t want to lose you either.”

After another long pause, David told me his story. David’s erection problems started in college with his first lover.  At first his girlfriend was hesitant to have sex because of her religious beliefs; however, when she decided that she was ready, they failed each time because David couldn’t get an erection.

When his girlfriend brought it up, David became angry and refused to talk about it. Following that, every time they tried to have sex David would become anxious and find himself unable to become erect.  Embarrassed and ashamed, he’d turn over and go to sleep.  After a while, he quit spending the night with her, coming up with excuses to avoid intimacy.

David’s story of why that relationship ended was “My girlfriend broke up with me because I couldn’t have sex with her.”  I told him that was only part of the story. The other reason was probably because he could not talk to her about it and he began avoiding any kind of intimate connection with her.

I told David that the way to prevent a repeat was for him to be straight with Anne, and forthe two of them to begin working on ways to approach sex that allowed him to have more success.

David hated that idea. “I can’t tell her I have an erection problem,” he blurted out.

“Right now she thinks you’re not that into her,” I said.

“But I’ve had sex with her several times.”

“But when you’ve initiated it, she said there was no warm-up and she felt rushed.”

“Well, when I have an erection I want to hurry up and use it before I lose it!”

“That’s just making her think you don’t care about her readiness or her pleasure.  From her perspective, all you want to do is get off.”

David thought about that for a long time. “Is there any way we can fix this problem without including her?”

David, like most men who struggle with erection problems, avoided sex.  Then when he did have sex, it was to prove his potency to himself and his wife, not to connect with her or share pleasure.  To top it off, he refused to discuss the problem with his lover.

Men like this would rather be thought of as incredibly insensitive than be perceived assexually inadequate.  This is, of course, a big part of the problem.

I urged David to talk to Anne. When he finally agreed I knew that his problem was on the way to being solved.

While we tend to hear more about the woman’s disinterest in sex, the opposite is often true. 

In the next series of columns, I’ll talk about several different situations where a man appears to be disinterested in his wife, and offer a way to start a discussion and a way out of whatever is holding you as couple back.       

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.  

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Why is he...just not that into you? Part 2


Molly and Richard have been married for 12 years and for the most part, have a strong marriage. They have two girls, ages eight and six, a strong economic foundation because of Richard’s consulting career, and a pretty good sex life—that is, until a couple years ago. 

Two or three years before coming to see me, Molly noticed Richard’s interest in sex dramatically changed from always wanting sex to not being that into her.  She confided to a friend who was certain he was having an affair.

“You’re attractive, you’re available, and he’s not having sex with you? What else could it be? Men always want sex unless they’re getting it somewhere else,” Molly’s friend told her.

But Molly just couldn’t believe her husband was having an affair. He was never a womanizer, was just as warm and loving as ever, was rarely anywhere but home when he wasn’t working, and when he was away on business trips, he always called and talked at night.

The only difference was that he never initiated sex.

In our first session, Molly started by thanking Richard for coming. She knew he was very busy, but she felt like she was going to go crazy if they didn’t figure out their sex life. She told him because of her lack of interest in her, she felt unattractive.  She was working out in earnest, upgraded her wardrobe—including her lingerie. And in the last few months, had begun considering breast augmentation though that was the last thing she wanted for herself.

Richard was very reassuring that he was still very, very attracted to his wife.  He felt they had a great marriage. When asked about his decreased interest in sex with Molly, he downplayed it. He thought she was exaggerating how much he used to want sex and how little he seemed to want it now. He agreed his desire for sex had waned but attributed it to working too much, being stressed with all his responsibilities, and maybe he was just getting older and had lost his “teenager obsession with sex.”

They agreed they had sex about two or three times a month. Molly, though, felt like they only had sex when she “practically forced him to,” while Richard insisted  he initiated as often as Molly.

I asked how often each of them masturbated. Molly indicated that throughout the marriage she probably masturbated once or twice a month usually when Richard was out of town and she was going to sleep.

Richard seemed upset by the question. At first he dodged it, saying that Molly had gotten angry at him several years ago when he told her that he masturbated fairly often so he didn’t want to “revisit that experience.” Molly acknowledged her anger before and described it as “some kind of foolish jealousy” that she had long since let go. Finally, Richard reluctantly offered that he masturbated “a few times a week.”

Molly was indeed angry about that. Before he was supplementing their sex life by masturbating, now he was neglecting her.

“Are you masturbating when I’m at home?” she asked.

Richard’s looking away and becoming speechless spoke volumes.

“Why wouldn’t you have sex with me?” she asked.

“Well you never seemed that interested before,” Richard said.

“Before when?” she shot back. “I’ve cried myself to sleep because you’re sitting in front of your computer supposedly working and turned me down yet again. I’ve come into your office in a sexy night gown, kissed you and asked you to come to bed so many times… and then you masturbate?”

Richard insisted it wasn’t on those particular nights, that many nights he was actually working late, and promised that he would become more attentive. They scheduled another appointment for a couple of weeks later.

I actually saw them a week earlier than we had scheduled. Frustrated and furious, Molly had decided to check the internet history on Richard’s computer. What she found was a shock for her and at least to some extent for Richard, too. Richard was apparently viewing internet pornography daily for long periods of time. Molly was able to show that he had spent on average 30 minutes a day for the three weeks that were stored in the internet history.

Richard was embarrassed and stunned. He seemed to genuinely have no idea that he was spending as much time as Molly was able to show. He admitted he had consciously lied or downplayed how often he was masturbating and using pornography because, as he put it, he didn’t want to hurt Molly.

As Molly correctly noted, Richard was not just trying to spare her feelings. He was trying to hide how often and for how long he used pornography. His use of pornography was not only causing him to avoid connecting with his wife it was stealing big chunks of his day.  

When Richard began realizing his situation he had to admit that he was using pornography and masturbating in a compulsive manner. He admitted that he could see in retrospect that he desired pornography over sex with Molly.  He was confused by this.

The desire to view pornography over the internet more than having sex with a real live person is somewhat confusing on the face of it. One way to understand it is that sex with an image is much simpler than sex with a spouse. Having sex with a spouse involves give and take, emotional connection, and can be fraught with the difficulty of sameness. Richard had begun exploring some novelty with pornography, had used as a way to supplement his sexual life with Molly, but had begun to prefer it because it was so simple.

Richard agreed to give up pornography—something he did quite easily, unlike a lot of men who have less longstanding sexual and emotional connections with their wives. 

Within a couple of weeks he noticed some big changes. He found himself looking at Molly when she was naked more often, wanting to touch her, and ultimately wanting to have sex with her much, much more. He also noticed that he was more excited when they had sex.

Richard and Molly were relieved that their old sexual connection came back so easily when Richard quit using pornography. They agreed that in the foreseeable future Richard would only view pornography if he was sharing it with his wife.


Next time:  I will offer a psychological view of the good and the bad of Pornography

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.  

Need help with sexual issues? Read this before choosing a therapist


Your relationship is not as good or fulfilling as you wish and there are problems in many areas of your relationship—your sex life is one of them. You’ve finally made the tough decision that it’s time to seek outside help. 



Where do you start?

Did you know that most individual therapists (and a majority of couples therapists) actually know very little about human sexuality and sex therapy?

Surprised?    

Over the 26 years I have been a practicing psychologist, I have come to realize there are many psychological topics about which licensed psychotherapists know very little.  Almost all licensed therapists end up specializing for one reason or another (and those reasons are interesting and varied) in specific areas of practice.  Most training in graduate psychology programs is quite general.  And in some in Doctoral-level Psychology and Psychiatry programs that last five or more years, many therapists graduate without having taken one course specifically devoted to sexuality.

If you are struggling with your sex life, it’s a specialized practitioner that can really offer the best help.

In fact, you may want to be wary of therapists who say that they see everyone (children, adults, families and couples) and work with every problem.   Many of us can help lots of different kinds of people, but we tend to become particularly effective in a few areas of practice where we get specialized training and extra experience.

Sex Therapy is a great example of an area that needs specialization.  In most cases, people seeking sex therapy are more nervous and uneasy than those with other kinds of problems.  There is something about sharing your sexual problems that feels more difficult (embarrassing? shameful?) than sharing other problems, no?  Therapists that are very comfortable talking about sexual issues will help you get more comfortable, quicker.

Sex Therapy involves learning to talk to each other about sexuality in a constructive way.  When we are nervous or uneasy about a particular subject (whether it’s in the bedroom or in the therapy office) we tend to communicate less effectively: we may either leave out important information or blurt things out in an insensitive way.  

Therapists are people, too.  If they lack training in this area, they may feel uncomfortable delving into the details of sex!  You may sense your therapist glossing over sexual issues or giving pat or simplistic answers which are not terribly helpful. 

A Sex Therapist will be very comfortable with these topics and will help you communicate about this most intimate topic more effectively and easily.  They will give it the air-time it deserves, and help you understand how relationship dynamics, personal histories, personality styles and unconscious taboos are playing out in the bedroom.

Couples Therapists with little or no specialization in Sex Therapy may not be current on the latest body of scientific knowledge with which a specialist in Sex Therapy will be familiar.  Applying new breakthroughs in our understanding of sexual issues can help things improve easier and more quickly.

Couples and individual therapists untrained in Sex Therapy tend to assume that if you work out relationship problems, that the sexual problems will take care of themselves. This is absolutely NOT the case for most couples.  While it’s often true that relationship issues may need to be addressed prior to or during working on sexual issues (hidden power struggles, buried resentments, trust issues), fixing relationship problems without specifically addressing the sexual problems may not be enough.

Here’s a partial list of issues you may be dealing with that might indicate a  Sex Therapist is a better choice over a Couples therapist:   

·      Your problems are primarily sexual including: lack of functioning by one or both (e.g. premature ejaculation, erection problems, pain during sex, lack of pleasure, difficulty having an orgasm, and frequent conflict over differences in sexual desire and arousal.)
·      You argue frequently about or avoid talking about your sexual relationship
·      You avoid having sex because you anticipate that it will be disappointing…or worse.
·      You have tried couples therapy and you still find yourself dissatisfied with your sexual relationship.

Finding a Sex and Couples therapist may take some extra work, although it is getting easier than it used to be to find a specialist on the web.  Entering a key word such as “sex therapist” or “sex” and “couples therapist,” along with your city name into your favorite search engine is a very good place to start. Another potential starting place is to ask your current therapist for a recommendation of someone who specializes in your particular problem. Many times your family doctor or Ob-Gyn might will know of a specialist. Doing a bit of extra research on the front end will save you time and money and help you get what you really need.

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.  

Do You Need Couples Therapy? Seven Questions to Help You Decide


It’s a question asked by many:  Does our relationship need couples therapy? 

Some of us are wise enough to visit a couple’s therapist early on in the relationship (even before the wedding) in order to prevent problems down the road.  Others seek help to turn a good marriage into a great one.

However, the vast majority of us put off hiring a professional until the roof is caving in, claiming a multitude of excuses:  We can’t afford it.  We’re too busy.  Things aren’t really that bad.  He’s just stressed out.  Things will get better after we move into the new house.  She’s just over-reacting; maybe a dozen roses will calm her down.  Our friends saw a therapist and got a divorce.  What’s a stranger going to tell us that we haven’t already tried?

Despite all the excuses we generate in order to avoid the trip to the therapist, we often have deep (unconscious) fears that stop us from picking up the phone.  What if the therapist takes his side?  What if I break down and cry?  What if the lid gets ripped off, all this pain comes out and we can’t contain it after the session?  What if he needs more from me than I can give?  What if my true feelings are revealed?  

That said, despite the fears and excuses, here’s a quick and dirty guide for knowing when it’s time to make that appointment. 

Ask yourself these questions:  

·      Is there physical violence (or the threat of it) in your relationship?  If you feel significant fear or intimidation in your relationship, you cannot show up in your relationship as your complete self.

·      Are you (or your spouse) having, or flirting with the idea of, an affair?

·      Do arguments lead to significant alienation or detachment and rarely result in compromise or resolution of the original disagreement?

·      Are your kids showing signs of distress because you and your spouse cannot agree on a reasonably consistent approach to parenting, or do you or your partner parent in ways that sabotage the other? (This not only undermines the partner, but forces your child to choose sides which can lead to them losing respect for both of you.)

·      Do you or your partner feel unhappy with your sexual relationship? (If yes, seek a professional who also specializes in Sex Therapy).

·      Do you or your partner have a psychological problem (e.g., addiction, depression, eating disorder, etc.) that is either being denied, avoided or causing un-resolvable conflicts?  While the sufferer may need individual therapy to address the specific problem, the relationship itself may need help since the problem will be adversely affecting the spouse as well.

·      Do one or both of you frequently think about or toss around the D-Word (Divorce)?

Let’s say you’ve read the list, resolved that you need help, but your partner says, “No!”   Make a deal: “OK, let’s make it a priority to work on our relationship for three months on our own.  We’ll try to communicate better, get closer, and re-connect.  If one of us is still dissatisfied after 3 months, let’s agree to get some help.”

If your partner still won’t honor this request, then I strongly recommend that you see an individual therapist.  By making changes and improvements to yourself, the relationship will either improve or it will not; but at least you will feel clearer and healthier to make positive decisions for yourself either way.

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.  

Sex, Love, Marriage: Mindful Dating for Married With Children Crowd


When a married couple with children goes out on a "date," they are leaving behind a world where responsibilities inform every waking moment, and where, in most cases, their needs don’t matter.  A date is a chance (in theory) to relax and reconnect with each other, and indulge their own needs for a few hours.

The problem, of course, is that they are going on a date with another human who is also overwhelmed with responsibilities and needy as hell. So (Surprise!) often these dates don’t go well.  As soon as one person senses the other’s needs, they feel resentful; “I’m depleted.  I’ve got nothing.  What about me?”   

Frequently one person may (consciously or unconsciously) sabotage the date.  Maybe one spouse has been storing up resentments, just waiting for an opportunity to unleash them.  Maybe they do not really want to “connect” because they are trying to avoid what comes next: intimacy and sex. 

ABC’s Modern Family is one of the most popular shows on TV.  You can see why from this clip below: we can all relate to married parents Claire and Phil in this dating scenario where they’re attempting to spice things up by rendezvousing at a hotel, pretending to be meeting for the first time.  This is a splendid and very sexy illustration of how a date can start to go south but be rescued by two people being mindful of the goal of the night: to not only connect but re-light a sexual flame.  (It’s also an example of how role playing allows a couple to add novelty and excitement to their sex lives!)


Basically, there are two ways to attend to oneself and to your mate when on a date.

(1)     BE PRESENT. 
Being present means not otherwise preoccupied by Smart Phones and other concerns of your life, at least for those few hours.  There is nothing that kills the connection like your husband answering his cell phone or your wife texting while you are sitting at a nice restaurant. 

(2)     LET GO OF CONFLICTS OR CONTROVERSIAL ISSUES
Try to put aside anything that might interfere with maintaining the connection.  A date may not be the best time to re-start that old unfinished argument about whether it’s time to re-model the garage. 
Talk, instead, about what’s going on at work, books you’ve read, dreams you have, frustrations with a relative, friend or maybe one of the children.  I find dinners like these are best for bringing up stories or things that happened that I haven’t shared because I didn't have the energy or time to discuss nuances, explain the background or even ask for  help figuring out why this or that may have bothered me so much. 
Remember, this occasion is about reconnecting and getting to know what’s on the other’s mind.  And also remember, if things start going south, you need to pull back and let go of whatever triggered the disagreement. The date and reconnecting is more important than anything else.


Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC. 

Mindful Communication in Sex: Say This, Don't Say That


Instead of: “You never have sex with me.”
Try: “I miss you. Can we get together sexually soon?”

Mindful communication expresses your important needs while considering the needs of your important other. Both of the statements above express the desire for sex. The first blames the other person, pushes them away, and decreases the likelihood that you’ll have sex… or at least good sex. The second statement gives your partner the gift of your desire for them and invites sexual closeness. Feeling wanted is certainly preferable to feeling blamed.

Instead of: “Don't touch me like that!”
Try: “I like you to touch me gentler or rougher…” (or whatever it is that you desire…)

Mindful communication considers the others feelings while expressing openly what is desired in as clear a way as possible. Instead of saying what not to do, say what you want. Assume that your lover is touching you out of their fantasy of how you want to be touched rather than out of a desire to annoy you. Perhaps they are touching you the way THEY want to be touched. But only you know the truth of how you want to be touched in that moment: describe it, even illustrate it clearly with body language. Telling your partner what NOT do may just shut them down: instead teach them about what feels good to you. This can be challenging if you’ve been shamed (by the culture, the church, your parents) about your sexuality and your needs. Giving yourself permission to have and speak your desires can be both liberating and intimate.

Instead of: “Sex with you is like having sex with a corpse!” (yes, I’ve heard someone actually say this…)
Try: “Let’s try to be more open and communicative during sex.”

Mindful lovers recognize that the other might struggle with expressing pleasure through movement, sounds, verbal responses etc. during sex. Most of us have sexual inhibitions, although guilt or shyness about showing sexual pleasure varies from person to person. Giving your lover permission to express pleasure can be very freeing for them. Assuming you want your lover to be expressive, ask for it, but be patient if this might be a struggle for them.

Instead of: “I hate it when you talk so dirty during sex!”
Try: “I wish you'd express more tenderness during sex.”

The mindful lover communicates needs directly while realizing that the other may have different needs that should not be judged. Sex is motivated by two very general fantasies. I’ve written in greater depth (http://www.sharewik.com/blogs/118258) about the two general sexual fantasies that drive most sexual expressions: tender love between soul mates or power/submission (taking and being taken). Neither of these is wrong or bad and most lovers play with some version of both of these. Mindful lovers are flexible, giving and receiving love in various ways. Boredom is a libido-killer; novelty is a turn-on. Couples who are non-judgmental about each others sexuality have better sex. 

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC. 

Mindfulness: A Lifelong Practice

Mindfulness is a lifelong practice not a sex therapy technique. However, opening your senses to an experience or becoming present changes that experience in profound ways. And sex is best when your senses are open.
 
In my last column, I introduced Jennifer, a client who came for individual therapy wanting to want to have sex with her husband, Bob. She began doing homework that I call “mindfulness sensuality” which I described last time. She also learned to masturbate in a more mindful way. After some experience with this, she wanted to apply her learning to sex with Bob.
 
I suggested that Jennifer convey to her husband how to do the sensual mindfulness and that they do this in bed side-by-side before turning toward each other for a mutual massage done again incorporating a mindfulness approach.
 
Here’s how to do the massage:

The person giving the massage should have his eyes wide open and look closely at the other. Smelling and tasting the skin should be incorporated. Feel the tips of your fingers touching the others skin. Listen closely to the others breathing, moaning, sighing whatever the other presents in the experience. 
 
The receiver of the massage should start off lying on their stomach. Feel the other’s fingers. Feel how the skin and muscles move when being touched. Notice how the other’s tongue feels touching the skin. Listen to the other’s breathing. After 15 or 20 minutes the receiver of the massage should turn over and repeat the focus on sounds, feelings etc. While on their back, the receiver should have their eyes open and take in the visual part of the experience.
 
As it turned out Bob and Jennifer were way too anxious about the experience to get much out of it.
 
Jennifer returned for her session angry at Bob because he had criticized the mindfulness approach as “boring” and “completely unnecessary” for him to get aroused. This, of course, was upsetting to Jennifer. It took me a while to get Jennifer to acknowledge that she too had trouble with some aspects of the experience. Specifically, she had trouble opening her eyes and “felt guilty” for significant periods when she was receiving her massage.
 
We decided to have some couple’s sessions since the problem was no longer something that Jennifer could work on alone.  
 
Bob was not a reluctant client. He felt that he had gotten a lot out of their previous couple’s therapy (described last time). His point was that he found it very unnecessary for Jennifer to touch his body mindfully or otherwise to get prepared for sex. He was an eager beaver without the prelims. He also thought it crazy that his wife was touching herself and he was touching himself when they were in easy reach of each other.
 
I assured Bob that our main goal was for them to touch each other in pleasing ways. The exercises were simply designed to separate each of them to give them responsibility to prepare themselves for sex.
 
Following our session, Bob and Jennifer were able to complete the sensual experience together. They came in for several more sessions and did several variations of the sensual massage and incorporated aspects of it into their sexual experience.
 
The most important question I asked Bob was:  “What if this is an optimal way of doing sex for Jennifer, even if it isn’t the best for you?”  Would he be willing and able to give this to her?
 
Bob and Jennifer seemed surprised by this question. Both of them had assumed that they would do the exercises, get the desired change and then return to their previous way of doing sex. I assured them that if they returned to exclusively doing sex the way they did it before, they would get the same results.
 
Here is some of what Bob and Jennifer learned from these experiences.
 
First, they learned a new way to think about sex. The reason that Bob initially resisted the sensual exercises is because he viewed sex as almost completely genital.  Foreplay was an unnecessary inconvenience for him and here I was adding some more steps.  His sexual expression was lust not sensuality. Lust should be part of sex, but to limit yourself to only lust is to leave some things out. Jennifer had simply been following Bob’s approach: after all, he sure seemed to be enjoying himself. 
 
Jennifer had to overcome her anxiety about receiving pleasure. She needed to learn to relax through her guilt at indulging in her own pleasure. She had to learn that she was responsible for communicating about how she wanted sex to go.
 
Bob had to learn to consider Jennifer’s desires as important as his own. Like Jennifer, he had mistakenly concluded that because he enjoyed sex, Jennifer just needed to relax and enjoy it the same way he did.  
 
So Jennifer came in wanting to want sex with Bob. She described herself as lacking desire for sex.  What we found out was that her lack of desire was for exclusively genital sex.  When Bob and Jennifer learned to be more mindful of their own and the other’s desires, they were able to develop a sexual relationship much more fulfilling for each of them.
 
 
Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.
  

Tips on How to Be More Mindful in the Bedroom

A female reader asks: How can I be more present during sex with my husband? I’m going to answer the question as asked, but we could easily replace ­wife with husband and get a very similar answer.
 
When I read the question I thought of Jennifer, who came to see me because she wanted to want to have sex with her husband, Bob. (Over the years I have seen many “Jennifers” and a few “Kens” for help with this problem.) Jennifer and Bob had been married for several years and had sex about once a week.  It had become painfully obvious that sex was a chore for her and a grand happening for her husband.
 
The difference in the two experiences was difficult for both of them. They had been to couples’ therapy for help with their sex life. The therapy helped them communicate better, but this had little impact on their sex life.  In fact, Jennifer and Bob concluded that their therapist was as uncomfortable talking about their sex life as they were, so they quit therapy.
 
But Jennifer and her husband had learned a lot from that experience.  

Jennifer realized that she held onto resentments that prevented her from connecting in many ways with Bob, not just sexually. 

Her resentments were legitimate, but they were hurting her and the marriage. They had both learned that Bob’s angry outbursts and his refusal to help out with most household chores (even though they both had careers) and his generally negative mood was affecting all areas of their relationship.  As a result of the therapy, Bob had made some real changes. 
 
This helped every area of their marriage--EXCEPT their sex life.
 
This is not an unusual story.  I hear this frequently enough to urge men and women to take care of these imbalances and get the resentments to a low enough level to let them go FIRST.  While this does not automatically fix a sex life, it appears to be a pre-requisite.  They’ll need to understand that their sex life may be suffering because they aren’t able to GET PRESENT during sex.
 
So how do you do this?  Let’s return to Jennifer’s therapy. I sent Jennifer home with an exercise that could be called Mindfulness Sensuality. It’s simple really.  Spend time alone, naked, breathing in deeply and slowly until you feel safe and relaxed.  Touch yourself in non-sexual areas of your body. Pay attention to what feels good. Also, pay attention to judgmental statements you make about your body.  Breathe in deeply, and when you breathe out tell yourself to let go of the judgment. Repeat!
 
Jennifer came back (as most men and women do who take this exercise seriously) noting that she had a lot of judgments about her body.  She felt herself becoming particularly tense when she touched her stomach. She liked her stomach when she was in great shape, but she’d gained ten pounds after her second child. Now when she touched her stomach she found it very difficult to feel anything but disgust.  By the end of the exercise, however, she felt a little better about it and generally had enjoyed herself more than she had imagined. She even took a nap at the end, which was the “nicest nap I’ve had in years,” she said.
 
The next step for Jennifer to take was to follow the same procedure and extend it to the sexual areas of her body.  My instructions typically go something like this:
 
After you have relaxed and touched yourself as before, take the same approach by touching yourself in sexual areas of your body. Again, focus on the way you like to be touched and repeat the exercise noticing and then letting go of judgments.  When you begin getting aroused instead of taking the quickest path to an orgasm, slow things down. Try touching areas that you haven’t previously.  Notice if there are areas you avoid that are actually pleasurable. Notice the judgments and breathe deeply and let them go.
 
Jennifer returned for her next appointment and started with something that did not totally surprise me. She was furious with her husband because he was “backsliding” and walking around the house “pissed off and making everyone miserable.”  How could he expect her to want to have sex with him? Because she was so angry she had not done the exercise.
 
I wasn’t surprised because many people do some backsliding of their own in therapy. I asked her if she wanted to learn to be more present with her own body as a gift to her husband or because she wanted to be a sexual being as a gift for herself.  
 
This is actually a critical question. The only way to become a fully sexual being is to want it for yourself.  The reason she came in for help was because she wanted to want to have sex, and now she wasn’t even willing to masturbate when she was upset with her husband.
 
Jennifer immediately recognized the errors in her thinking and had a sense of humor about it. Over the next couple of sessions Jennifer reported feeling more like she felt sexually early on in her relationship with Bob now that she was masturbating using a mindful approach.  She even looked forward to her “homework” and joked that she had gotten some “extra credit” by masturbating a couple of extra times.
 
Next time I’ll describe the next phase of Jennifer’s therapy where she learns to apply her Mindful Sensuality experience to sex with her husband. In this phase we invited her husband for some couples’ sessions to help them reach a greater sexual potential.

 
Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.   Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.   

Seven Tips to be a Better Lover


(1)  Open your eyes. 
       Or better yet open all your senses.  Being present is THE KEY to being good at giving and receiving pleasure. If you find yourself paying your bills, preparing your grocery list, re-painting the ceiling or re-playing an earlier discussion, get out of your thoughts and into the moment.  Unless you’re an amazing multi-tasker, seeing your partner in a sexual way and preparing your grocery list should be mutually exclusive activities.

(2)  Slow down
       Move everything slower. Sex can be a passionate experience with reckless thrashing about, and it can be a tender experience of paying slow attention to nuances. Even passionate, thrashing sex is better when you alter the rhythm. 

(3)  Change the drama.  
       If you are like most couples, you’ve established a pattern that is comfortable but perhaps a bit too predictable.  Think about the roles that you and your partner play as lovers.  If one of you tends towards being more dominant and the other more submissive, switch it up. 

(4)  Masturbate together.  
       This may be as connected or as disconnected as you feel comfortable; pleasuring yourself in front of your partner can be an extremely intimate activity. 

(5)  Masturbate alone. 
       To evolve your sexual potential, you need to be intimately familiar with what your own body likes.  Touch yourself in non-sexual and sexual areas and pay attention to the sensations.  

(6)  Communicate about what feels good, before, during and after sex.  
       If words are tough, use your body or your hands to show your partner what you like.  If you are afraid to give feedback because you don’t want to wound your partner’s ego, orient the conversation thusly: “Let me tell you a secret about what I really like” as opposed to “Here’s how you keep messing up…” 

(7)  Read sexy literature or watch pornography together that is at least close to comfortable for you.  
       Notice I didn’t say completely comfortable; the touch of anxiety that results from stepping out of your comfort zone can spice things up. Reading something like Tinamarie Eshel’s blog often is a good place to begin.  

To do all of the items on this list you are going to have to start thinking of yourself as a sexual being, which is a good thing.

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.   Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.  

Monday, November 5, 2012

Discrepancy in Desire: Understanding the Need for Connection


This is the last column in a three part series on how couples can reconnect a common disconnection: a discrepancy in the desire to be emotionally connected with their spouse’s desire to be sexual connected.

Jack and Jill both yearned for reconnection because they were exhausted by a long period of distance and unhappiness.

This is a very brief description of what brought them to my office:  Jack and Jill had their arms around each other, kissing.  Jack touched Jill’s leg and she touched his.  His breathing quickened as he became aroused. He assumed she was aroused, too and slid his hand between her legs. She tried to relax and enjoy it, but felt annoyed because he was rushing her.  She wasn’t lubricated yet so Jack felt she wasn’t turned on by him.

He stopped.

They turn away from each other, both frustrated because they can’t seem to get in sync. Lying in moonlit shadows, Jack thought, “Jill doesn’t care what I want.  She’s just like her mother.  She never wants to have fun.”

Jill recalled their earlier conversation when he accused her of being “just like her mother,” and added it to Jack’s haste in bed. 

“He’s unbelievably insensitive," she thought. "All he wants from me is sex and has no interest in talking to me or hearing what’s on my mind.”  

Jill was distracted by her anger over the earlier discussion (and the barrel full of anger over similar discussions in the past) and she unsuccessfully tried to put it aside and enjoy sex.  An important part of Jill—her emotional self, did NOT want to open up to Jack because she was mad at him.

In our therapy session, Jack insisted his approach this particular evening was very similar to previous sexual encounters.

I then asked Jill to tell me of a typical sexual experience. Much to her surprise, her description was very similar to the one described above, where they ended not having sex. The difference this time was that when Jack touched Jill she either slowed him down by guiding his hand or was already lubricated and ready for him, not to mention usually Jill felt closer to Jack and was present to the sexual experience. 

When Jill admitted she was so distracted by her anger she couldn’t be sexual, Jack pounced on her for being too emotional.

“See you’re so angry, you’re messing everything up,” he said.

Once again our right and wrong couple is going to attack when the other is able to admit to messing up, accusing him or her of being the “problem” in the relationship.  In their relationship the “bad one” is either too emotional (Jill) or too sexual (Jack).

But in reality, Jill doesn’t need to learn to be less emotional, and Jack doesn’t need to be less sexual.  What Jack and Jill needed was to see how their dominant needs could be met if they learned to be available to meet the other’s needs.

Jack learned that by being present and connecting to Jill’s emotional needs he gave her the gift of feeling connected.  Jill learned that by being present to Jack’s sexual needs she gave him the gift of connection.

Happily Jack and Jill both learned that by giving of themselves to the others needs they were able to have their own met.  More emotional connection led to more sexual connection; more sexual connection led to more emotional connection.

Remember that when we started this discussion two columns ago, Jack and Jill had a “desire discrepancy.” To Jack, Jill felt emotionally needy and to Jill, Jack was too sexually needy. Unhappily, they saw the other’s healthy need for connection as excessive.

Their desire discrepancies were not the problem. The problem was that they saw the other’s important, but differently expressed, need for closeness and involvement as “Bad” or “Wrong” or “The Problem.”

Only when Jack and Jill saw the other’s need as an important desire to be close did Jack and Jill get up the hill with Jack knowing how to support Jill’s emotional needs and Jill knowing how to be present to play with Jack’s sexual needs.

Jack still had more sexual desire and Jill more desire for emotional connecting, but they now loved and respected, even cherished that about each other.  

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.