Sex, Love, Marriage: Mindful Dating for Married With Children Crowd

When a married couple with children goes out on a "date," they are leaving behind a world where responsibilities inform every waking moment, and where, in most cases, their needs don’t matter.  A date is a chance (in theory) to relax and reconnect with each other, and indulge their own needs for a few hours.

The problem, of course, is that they are going on a date with another human who is also overwhelmed with responsibilities and needy as hell. So (Surprise!) often these dates don’t go well.  As soon as one person senses the other’s needs, they feel resentful; “I’m depleted.  I’ve got nothing.  What about me?”   

Frequently one person may (consciously or unconsciously) sabotage the date.  Maybe one spouse has been storing up resentments, just waiting for an opportunity to unleash them.  Maybe they do not really want to “connect” because they are trying to avoid what comes next: intimacy and sex. 

ABC’s Modern Family is one of the most popular shows on TV.  You can see why from this clip below: we can all relate to married parents Claire and Phil in this dating scenario where they’re attempting to spice things up by rendezvousing at a hotel, pretending to be meeting for the first time.  This is a splendid and very sexy illustration of how a date can start to go south but be rescued by two people being mindful of the goal of the night: to not only connect but re-light a sexual flame.  (It’s also an example of how role playing allows a couple to add novelty and excitement to their sex lives!)

Basically, there are two ways to attend to oneself and to your mate when on a date.

(1)     BE PRESENT. 

Being present means not otherwise preoccupied by Smart Phones and other concerns of your life, at least for those few hours.  There is nothing that kills the connection like your husband answering his cell phone or your wife texting while you are sitting at a nice restaurant. 

(2)     LET GO OF CONFLICTS OR CONTROVERSIAL ISSUES

Try to put aside anything that might interfere with maintaining the connection.  A date may not be the best time to re-start that old unfinished argument about whether it’s time to re-model the garage. 

Talk, instead, about what’s going on at work, books you’ve read, dreams you have, frustrations with a relative, friend or maybe one of the children.  I find dinners like these are best for bringing up stories or things that happened that I haven’t shared because I didn't have the energy or time to discuss nuances, explain the background or even ask for  help figuring out why this or that may have bothered me so much. 

Remember, this occasion is about reconnecting and getting to know what’s on the other’s mind.  And also remember, if things start going south, you need to pull back and let go of whatever triggered the disagreement. The date and reconnecting is more important than anything else.

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.