Do You Need Couples Therapy? Seven Questions to Help You Decide

It’s a question asked by many:  Does our relationship need couples therapy? 

Some of us are wise enough to visit a couple’s therapist early on in the relationship (even before the wedding) in order to prevent problems down the road.  Others seek help to turn a good marriage into a great one.

However, the vast majority of us put off hiring a professional until the roof is caving in, claiming a multitude of excuses:  We can’t afford it.  We’re too busy.  Things aren’t really that bad.  He’s just stressed out.  Things will get better after we move into the new house.  She’s just over-reacting; maybe a dozen roses will calm her down.  Our friends saw a therapist and got a divorce.  What’s a stranger going to tell us that we haven’t already tried?

Despite all the excuses we generate in order to avoid the trip to the therapist, we often have deep (unconscious) fears that stop us from picking up the phone.  What if the therapist takes his side?  What if I break down and cry?  What if the lid gets ripped off, all this pain comes out and we can’t contain it after the session?  What if he needs more from me than I can give?  What if my true feelings are revealed?  

That said, despite the fears and excuses, here’s a quick and dirty guide for knowing when it’s time to make that appointment. 

Ask yourself these questions:  

·      Is there physical violence (or the threat of it) in your relationship?  If you feel significant fear or intimidation in your relationship, you cannot show up in your relationship as your complete self.

·      Are you (or your spouse) having, or flirting with the idea of, an affair?

·      Do arguments lead to significant alienation or detachment and rarely result in compromise or resolution of the original disagreement?

·      Are your kids showing signs of distress because you and your spouse cannot agree on a reasonably consistent approach to parenting, or do you or your partner parent in ways that sabotage the other? (This not only undermines the partner, but forces your child to choose sides which can lead to them losing respect for both of you.)

·      Do you or your partner feel unhappy with your sexual relationship? (If yes, seek a professional who also specializes in Sex Therapy).

·      Do you or your partner have a psychological problem (e.g., addiction, depression, eating disorder, etc.) that is either being denied, avoided or causing un-resolvable conflicts?  While the sufferer may need individual therapy to address the specific problem, the relationship itself may need help since the problem will be adversely affecting the spouse as well.

·      Do one or both of you frequently think about or toss around the D-Word (Divorce)?

Let’s say you’ve read the list, resolved that you need help, but your partner says, “No!”   Make a deal: “OK, let’s make it a priority to work on our relationship for three months on our own.  We’ll try to communicate better, get closer, and re-connect.  If one of us is still dissatisfied after 3 months, let’s agree to get some help.”

If your partner still won’t honor this request, then I strongly recommend that you see an individual therapist.  By making changes and improvements to yourself, the relationship will either improve or it will not; but at least you will feel clearer and healthier to make positive decisions for yourself either way.

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.