Eight Tips Women Can Use to Help Her Man Overcome Premature Ejaculation

In my last column, I outlined the “Squeeze Technique,” a masturbation technique that if used consistently will allow a man with Premature Ejaculation (PE) to better manage (or slow down) his orgasm.

Most men who come to me for help with PE are married, yet they come to therapy alone. Their wives are often frustrated and, not having penises themselves, unsure about how to solve the problem.  Men with premature ejaculation typically do not want to talk about it, which inevitably makes the problem worse. 

I described a client with PE named Larry.. After a few sessions, despite a less-than-perfect sexual encounter with his wife, the improvement in communication allowed Larry’s wife to view him more kindly.  She decided to join him for therapy. 

What follows is an outline of general principles I gave Larry and his wife over the course of several sessions they could use to work together to help his PE.  The bottom-line is this:  PE is curable. 

8 Tips A Woman Can Use to Help Her Man Overcome Premature Ejaculation

1.     If necessary, encourage him to seek professional help.  Appreciate how difficult it can be for a man to see a therapist to discuss this problem. Offer to accompany him so that you are both on the same page.

2.     Don’t be judgmental or bring up sexual problems during arguments.

3.     View PE as more of an Anxiety Problem than a Sexual Problem.  

4.     Viewing this as a “Masculinity Problem” will only increase his Anxiety Problem.  

5.     Be thankful that your partner is learning to be sexual with you. He has probably been more conservative sexually than his “womanizing” friends.

6.     While your man may be anxious in general (e.g. he may be Type A or stressed out) his more specific concern is Performance Anxiety.  The harder he tries to NOT have an orgasm, the more his body tenses; the tighter are the muscles related to sex, the more quickly he may come. Take the pressure off by being willing to experience pleasure in ways other than intercourse.

7.     Slow down and focus on the overall experience, not just the finish. Make sure you each take time in foreplay, include massage of non-sexual areas.

8.     Learn to apply the squeeze technique as a masturbation technique to actual sex with a partner.   Here’s how:  During slow foreplay, masturbate him and let him to teach you how to squeeze to reduce his intensity. When he enters, allow him to control the thrusting (Remember this is NOT how you will do things the rest of your life).  When he is several seconds from orgasm, he should withdraw and squeeze at the base of his penis, holding for 15-30 seconds. He should then re-enter and repeat if his arousal has lowered enough.

As a variation, particularly after a few prior sessions, the woman might be on top and move slowly herself. When her man signals her, she should withdraw and squeeze at the base of his penis. Since for many men the arousal is higher during intercourse than during masturbation, the period of squeezing might need to be more prolonged and the period after squeezing and needing to squeeze again might be shorter. This will change after doing this often.

Most women like their clitoris’ to be manually stimulated during intercourse. During the period where your partner is squeezing himself, you can continue to manually stimulate yourself or have him do it if he was already doing it (and if he is dexterous enough).  Finally, allow your man to come inside of you (assuming you have taken the proper precautions concerning pregnancy and STD protection). If you have not had an orgasm and wish to, your partner should focus on your pleasure. When you are finished, talk about what went right. Tell each other what you liked during sex and what you'd like more.

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.