I’m honoring a question that came in from a reader who asked me to write a column that might help her sexually clumsy husband of 20 years become a better lover.
Leaving aside that “sexual clumsiness” might represent difficulties in the relationship, let’s explore the situation from this angle: the couple has had good sexual relations in the past, is in a connected relationship, but one or both experience the other as clumsy, or unable to be “good in bed.”
When it comes to sexual clumsiness, the bottom line is this: It is a result of not being present in the sexual experience. Of course, other factors contribute, but if you’re not present, you’re going to come across clumsy at best.
There are really two types of clumsy lovers.
1. One, is a lover who is generally disconnected (e.g. distracted and in his head). The disconnected or distracted lover is thinking instead of experiencing his senses. If we look at the sexual problems I’ve discussed in previous columns the one common ingredient to the problem is a lack of being able to be present in one’s experience. If you are worried about erections or coming too quickly or whether or not you will have an orgasm you are not going to be present, right? Instead of being present, you’re in your head worrying about something and not focusing on your own and your partner’s experience.
The solution for this is to open your eyes and make a point of having direct eye contact during foreplay and sexual intercourse. Try to make yourself become hyper aware of the smells, taste and feeling of every part of your lover, awakening and experiencing love making using all of your senses.
2. A second reason someone might be a clumsy lover is because he doesn’t know his way around his lover’s body. This clumsy lover doesn’t seem to touch you in the right place at the right time or in the right way. I’m guessing he may feel insecure about making you happy and so has stopped trying.
Have you been unable to tell him what you really like for fear of hurting his ego? So instead of telling him what you like or dislike, do you just lie there and hope he guesses? Or do you subtly let him know he’s not doing a very good job without telling him what you WOULD like?
I understand it’s easier for many women to complain than it is to ask directly for what they want, particularly sexually. You don’t want to look like you like it too much, or you’re a “bad girl”—so you don’t say, “Ooh, a little to the left, or “keep doing that,” or “slow down a bit.” Find a way to give him feedback that is positive, but direct. As in saying, “Do This,” and not saying, “Stop doing that!”
Another approach is to guide his hands with yours, whisper in his ear what you want. You can take control a little bit, rather than wait for him to stumble through.
If you do this, please do NOT worry about whether he finds this too aggressive or controlling or intimidating. That is not your problem.
Sexuality expands and improves when each individual takes responsibility for his or her own pleasure and lets the other take care of himself.
Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist. Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.
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