Your relationship is not as good or fulfilling as you wish and there are problems in many areas of your relationship—your sex life is one of them. You’ve finally made the tough decision that it’s time to seek outside help.
Where do you start?
Did you know that most individual therapists (and a majority of couples therapists) actually know very little about human sexuality and sex therapy?
Surprised?
Over the 26 years I have been a practicing psychologist, I have come to realize there are many psychological topics about which licensed psychotherapists know very little. Almost all licensed therapists end up specializing for one reason or another (and those reasons are interesting and varied) in specific areas of practice. Most training in graduate psychology programs is quite general. And in some in Doctoral-level Psychology and Psychiatry programs that last five or more years, many therapists graduate without having taken one course specifically devoted to sexuality.
If you are struggling with your sex life, it’s a specialized practitioner that can really offer the best help.
In fact, you may want to be wary of therapists who say that they see everyone (children, adults, families and couples) and work with every problem. Many of us can help lots of different kinds of people, but we tend to become particularly effective in a few areas of practice where we get specialized training and extra experience.
Sex Therapy is a great example of an area that needs specialization. In most cases, people seeking sex therapy are more nervous and uneasy than those with other kinds of problems. There is something about sharing your sexual problems that feels more difficult (embarrassing? shameful?) than sharing other problems, no? Therapists that are very comfortable talking about sexual issues will help you get more comfortable, quicker.
Sex Therapy involves learning to talk to each other about sexuality in a constructive way. When we are nervous or uneasy about a particular subject (whether it’s in the bedroom or in the therapy office) we tend to communicate less effectively: we may either leave out important information or blurt things out in an insensitive way.
Therapists are people, too. If they lack training in this area, they may feel uncomfortable delving into the details of sex! You may sense your therapist glossing over sexual issues or giving pat or simplistic answers which are not terribly helpful.
A Sex Therapist will be very comfortable with these topics and will help you communicate about this most intimate topic more effectively and easily. They will give it the air-time it deserves, and help you understand how relationship dynamics, personal histories, personality styles and unconscious taboos are playing out in the bedroom.
Couples Therapists with little or no specialization in Sex Therapy may not be current on the latest body of scientific knowledge with which a specialist in Sex Therapy will be familiar. Applying new breakthroughs in our understanding of sexual issues can help things improve easier and more quickly.
Couples and individual therapists untrained in Sex Therapy tend to assume that if you work out relationship problems, that the sexual problems will take care of themselves. This is absolutely NOT the case for most couples. While it’s often true that relationship issues may need to be addressed prior to or during working on sexual issues (hidden power struggles, buried resentments, trust issues), fixing relationship problems without specifically addressing the sexual problems may not be enough.
Here’s a partial list of issues you may be dealing with that might indicate a Sex Therapist is a better choice over a Couples therapist:
· Your problems are primarily sexual including: lack of functioning by one or both (e.g. premature ejaculation, erection problems, pain during sex, lack of pleasure, difficulty having an orgasm, and frequent conflict over differences in sexual desire and arousal.)
· You argue frequently about or avoid talking about your sexual relationship
· You avoid having sex because you anticipate that it will be disappointing…or worse.
· You have tried couples therapy and you still find yourself dissatisfied with your sexual relationship.
Finding a Sex and Couples therapist may take some extra work, although it is getting easier than it used to be to find a specialist on the web. Entering a key word such as “sex therapist” or “sex” and “couples therapist,” along with your city name into your favorite search engine is a very good place to start. Another potential starting place is to ask your current therapist for a recommendation of someone who specializes in your particular problem. Many times your family doctor or Ob-Gyn might will know of a specialist. Doing a bit of extra research on the front end will save you time and money and help you get what you really need.
Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist. Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.
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