Seven Habits of Highly Successful Couples

Here are seven habits of people who thrive in their intimate relationships. 

This list is based on research, writings of experts in the field and my own observations as a couples’ therapist.  Few people achieve all of these: for most of us, these are goals towards which we strive.  If you and your partner develop these habits, then your offspring will learn by osmosis… and the rest of the planet will benefit. 

1.   Successful couples let go of little things. Dwelling on inconsequential problems or individual differences between you actually makes those things bigger and more entrenched. Accepting that your partner is different from you and can at times be annoying and inconsiderate is essential to a lifetime of happiness.

2.   Successful couples talk about important problems. When they are upset they have the courage to bring it up.  Otherwise, they will begin to resent their partner, and resentment will lead to emotional distance, which will lead to resentment… and on and on.

3.   Successful couples give each other much more positive than negativefeedback.  For 50 years, couples’ researcher John Gottman and his associates have observed and followed couples.  Those with a Five to One ratio of Positive to Negative stay married and are much happier than those with a lower ratio.

4.   Successful couples discover and express love in ways that are important to the other. Gary Chapman in The 5 Love Languages points out that you and your partner may have different preferred ways of expressing love and experiencing love.  These five Love Languages are: Words of Affirmation; Quality time (full undivided attention); Giving small and Large gifts; Acts of Service (the tasks that keep the household afloat); and finally Physical Touch (hugs, kisses, hand holding, sitting close, and, yes, sex).   Just because you think you are showing love does not mean your partner is feeling the love!  

5.   Individuals in successful couples are productive and take good care of their own health and well-being.  Doing this leads to positive energy, a better over-all mood, and improvements in all aspects of life-- including the relationship.

6.   Successful couples respect and empathize with one another.   This prevents each member from harming the other, and allows for more rapid forgiveness and healing when they do.  They do not waste time on assigning blame, and they own their part in conflicts and problems.

7.   Successful couples view their relationship as a work in progress, an evolving creation that will grow over time.  They respect their history and together they develop a shared vision of their future.

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.