Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Mindful Communication in Sex: Say This, Don't Say That


Instead of: “You never have sex with me.”
Try: “I miss you. Can we get together sexually soon?”

Mindful communication expresses your important needs while considering the needs of your important other. Both of the statements above express the desire for sex. The first blames the other person, pushes them away, and decreases the likelihood that you’ll have sex… or at least good sex. The second statement gives your partner the gift of your desire for them and invites sexual closeness. Feeling wanted is certainly preferable to feeling blamed.

Instead of: “Don't touch me like that!”
Try: “I like you to touch me gentler or rougher…” (or whatever it is that you desire…)

Mindful communication considers the others feelings while expressing openly what is desired in as clear a way as possible. Instead of saying what not to do, say what you want. Assume that your lover is touching you out of their fantasy of how you want to be touched rather than out of a desire to annoy you. Perhaps they are touching you the way THEY want to be touched. But only you know the truth of how you want to be touched in that moment: describe it, even illustrate it clearly with body language. Telling your partner what NOT do may just shut them down: instead teach them about what feels good to you. This can be challenging if you’ve been shamed (by the culture, the church, your parents) about your sexuality and your needs. Giving yourself permission to have and speak your desires can be both liberating and intimate.

Instead of: “Sex with you is like having sex with a corpse!” (yes, I’ve heard someone actually say this…)
Try: “Let’s try to be more open and communicative during sex.”

Mindful lovers recognize that the other might struggle with expressing pleasure through movement, sounds, verbal responses etc. during sex. Most of us have sexual inhibitions, although guilt or shyness about showing sexual pleasure varies from person to person. Giving your lover permission to express pleasure can be very freeing for them. Assuming you want your lover to be expressive, ask for it, but be patient if this might be a struggle for them.

Instead of: “I hate it when you talk so dirty during sex!”
Try: “I wish you'd express more tenderness during sex.”

The mindful lover communicates needs directly while realizing that the other may have different needs that should not be judged. Sex is motivated by two very general fantasies. I’ve written in greater depth (http://www.sharewik.com/blogs/118258) about the two general sexual fantasies that drive most sexual expressions: tender love between soul mates or power/submission (taking and being taken). Neither of these is wrong or bad and most lovers play with some version of both of these. Mindful lovers are flexible, giving and receiving love in various ways. Boredom is a libido-killer; novelty is a turn-on. Couples who are non-judgmental about each others sexuality have better sex. 

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC. 

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