Visualize your relationship like this: You and your partner are standing on a railroad handcar. You know, one of those cars that moves along the train tracks being pumped by two people on opposite sides of the car. When one pushes down, the other side lifts up, rests and then pushes down, causing the other side to push down, etc. This up/down cycle moves the railroad car along the tracks.
Got it?
An example: You come home after a lousy day. You’re angry because the house is a mess despite your partner being home for at least an hour.
You say, “Look at this place. It’s a total mess. Nobody does anything around here but me.” (You push the handle down and the car begins to move along the tracks.)
Your partner responds, “What’s wrong with you coming in here yelling? You’re such a jerk!” (He/she pushes and now you’re really moving).
You say, “You asshole!”
Your partner says: “I’m minding my own business and you come in here raising hell. Who is the asshole here?”
The little car zips along the tracks toward a bad night. At some point you or your partner might say: “Hey, I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t need to talk to you that way.” The car stops.
The other says: “You’re an ass.” The train resumes its negative direction.
Or the other says: “Yeah, me too. I had a bad day. You want to go… sit and talk, watch TV, go for a walk?" Now the handcar moves along the track in a different, more positive direction.
Another example. You give your partner a kiss and warmly say, “I’ve missed you, you want to have some fun tonight?” You’ve got the handcar heading in a sexual direction.
He or she might be distracted and irritated about something else and says: “I’ve got a lot of work to do tonight.” The car stops.
You say: “I was just kissing you not asking you to give up your job. All you really care about is work.”
“Somebody has to be responsible around here,” your partner fires back. Now the handcar zips along the negative track and in a very nonsexual direction.
Sometimes people tell me that they have no control over their relationship. They describe their partner as driving the train along the track and they feel nothing they do will change anything.
I ask them to think of the train like the handcar and do two things:
1. When their partner pushes the handle driving the train in the negative direction, they simply try to apply the brakes and get the train going in a positive direction.
2. When their partner pushes the train in a positive direction they should always do their part by pushing it in the same direction.
Let’s look at the two examples above and illustrate how you can apply the brakes and push the handcar in a positive direction.
In the example where your partner returns home and criticizes you when he or she returns to the house, you could put on the brakes by stating you have been very productive or resting from a difficult day.
In the example where your partner has asked you for intimacy and you focused on your work angering and/or hurting your partner you can attempt to change the direction of the handcar by saying, “I miss you too, but I just have a lot of work to do tonight.” You might then try your own hand at moving the handcar in a sexual direction.
In relationships, you are always moving in some direction and it is a mutual process. Most people underestimate their role in the direction their relationships are moving.
Tonight, try to intentionally move your relationship in the direction you want it to go and see if you don’t notice an immediate difference.
Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist. He is a regular ShareWIK.com columnist. Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.
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