The desire to feel deeply connected to another is a universal human need. Emotional and Physical closeness are the two main ways couples can experience this connection.
But often in couples, there is this unhappy paradox: One member of the couple wants more physical/sexual connection while the other wants more verbal/emotional connecting. Further, each of them thinks of the other’s need as excessive and feels burdened by it.
In the psychology world, when one member of a couple wants more sexual connection than the other we call it Sexual Desire Discrepancy (SDD). This is a common complaint among couples visiting marriage and sex therapists.
Interestingly, the psychology world has yet to come up with a label for Emotional Desire Discrepancy (EDD, for our purposes); when one member of a couple wants more emotional connection than the other. Yet, I find this problem to be as common among my clients (if not more) than SDD.
In both cases these unmet or under-met desires can cause great unhappiness.
Jack and Jill can’t get up the hill because neither feels the other desires them. Jill feels that Jack has no desire to know her emotionally. Jack feels that Jill has no interest in himsexually. Jack and Jill both want to feel closer and more connected. They have been busy with their lives and haven’t had sex in a couple of weeks.
When we meet them in their kitchen, Jill has just gotten off the phone with her mother. She walks into the kitchen where she finds Jack cooking dinner.
“God, my mother is going to make me crazy. She just cancelled plans to come to our house for Christmas because she can’t leave her dogs,” Jill said.
“I don’t know why you’re so angry. She always does that,” Jack said.
“That’s why I’m so mad! She puts her dogs ahead of visiting us and the kids.”
“It’s not her dogs,” Jack said. “She just hates to leave her home because she’s a stick in the mud, always has been.” Jill looks away.
Jack wonders why she quit talking.
“You know it’s true. She just can’t have any fun,” Jack says.
“Whatever,” Jill mumbles.
A little later Jack feels Jill continuing to be distant; it’s hard to ignore the slamming of kitchen cabinets and generally cold demeanor. Wanting to connect he walks over and puts his arms around her, kissing her as he whispers, “It’s been a couple of weeks, maybe we should have some sex tonight.”
Jill offers, “Maybe,” but pulls away because she is still annoyed about the earlier conversation.
A few hours later in bed Jack and Jill have their arms around each other as they kiss. Jack touches Jill’s leg; she touches his. His breathing is quick and shallow as he becomes aroused. He assumes she is aroused, so he slides his hand between her legs. She tries to relax and enjoy it, but feels annoyed that he seems to be rushing her. She is not lubricated yet, so Jack feels she is not turned on by him. He stops.
They turn over and go to sleep, both frustrated they can’t seem to get in sync with each other. Jack thinks to himself, “Jill is just like her mother. She never wants to have fun.” Jill thinks back to the kitchen conversation and Jack’s haste in bed and thinks, “What an insensitive guy!”
Next time, we will get Jack and Jill up the hill and try to keep them from tumbling down. By paying attention to and honoring the other’s primary desire and responding differently based on this awareness, each can actually get their own desires met. It’s a change in mindset that can alter the discrepancies in desire that trouble most marriages
Stay tuned.
Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist. Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.
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