A seasoned psychiatrist (known for telling it like he thinks it is) referred Anne to me. He left this message on my voice mail: “She wants to see you for help with her husband. She’s thirty, stunningly gorgeous, executive of some type, says her young husband has no interest in her sexually. My guess? He’s either gay or having an affair.”
Anne was indeed very attractive. Tall and graceful, she sat across from me, and without a hint of hesitation, launched into her story. As she described the absence of sex in her one-year-old marriage, she shifted from tears to anger and back to tears. She was married to the man of her dreams, and they’d only had sex three times.
“Here’s the worst part. When we do have sex it’s just awful. One time he woke me up and just sort of put himself inside me with no thought as to whether or not I was ready. The other times were almost identical. The truth is he is wonderful and sensitive everywherebut in the bedroom.”
Believe it or not, the two of them had not discussed this situation. Anne had hinted that there was a problem during the first few months, but when she brought it up he dodged her questions. “The best he could come up with was that he was under a lot of pressure at work and he’d had stomach problems that made him avoid sex.”
I had a few guesses as to what was going on with him (none of which included that he was gay or having an affair). We decided I should meet with him alone before we all got together.
When I met David, I immediately could see that they were a good match aesthetically-speaking. Like her, he was impressively handsome; he was tall, good-looking, and carried himself in an easy, confident manner. Unlike Anne, David was hesitant to talk. He looked away from me, and then finally said, “I should have come here a long time ago.”
“I’m glad you’re here now; I know you and Anne are struggling sexually.”
He looked at me and then away again, struggling to find the words. Eventually he offered: “I love Anne and don’t want to lose her.”
“She doesn’t want to lose you either.”
After another long pause, David told me his story. David’s erection problems started in college with his first lover. At first his girlfriend was hesitant to have sex because of her religious beliefs; however, when she decided that she was ready, they failed each time because David couldn’t get an erection.
When his girlfriend brought it up, David became angry and refused to talk about it. Following that, every time they tried to have sex David would become anxious and find himself unable to become erect. Embarrassed and ashamed, he’d turn over and go to sleep. After a while, he quit spending the night with her, coming up with excuses to avoid intimacy.
David’s story of why that relationship ended was “My girlfriend broke up with me because I couldn’t have sex with her.” I told him that was only part of the story. The other reason was probably because he could not talk to her about it and he began avoiding any kind of intimate connection with her.
I told David that the way to prevent a repeat was for him to be straight with Anne, and forthe two of them to begin working on ways to approach sex that allowed him to have more success.
David hated that idea. “I can’t tell her I have an erection problem,” he blurted out.
“Right now she thinks you’re not that into her,” I said.
“But I’ve had sex with her several times.”
“But when you’ve initiated it, she said there was no warm-up and she felt rushed.”
“Well, when I have an erection I want to hurry up and use it before I lose it!”
“That’s just making her think you don’t care about her readiness or her pleasure. From her perspective, all you want to do is get off.”
David thought about that for a long time. “Is there any way we can fix this problem without including her?”
David, like most men who struggle with erection problems, avoided sex. Then when he did have sex, it was to prove his potency to himself and his wife, not to connect with her or share pleasure. To top it off, he refused to discuss the problem with his lover.
Men like this would rather be thought of as incredibly insensitive than be perceived assexually inadequate. This is, of course, a big part of the problem.
I urged David to talk to Anne. When he finally agreed I knew that his problem was on the way to being solved.
While we tend to hear more about the woman’s disinterest in sex, the opposite is often true.
In the next series of columns, I’ll talk about several different situations where a man appears to be disinterested in his wife, and offer a way to start a discussion and a way out of whatever is holding you as couple back.
Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist. Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.
No comments:
Post a Comment