Molly and Richard have been married for 12 years and for the most part, have a strong marriage. They have two girls, ages eight and six, a strong economic foundation because of Richard’s consulting career, and a pretty good sex life—that is, until a couple years ago.
Two or three years before coming to see me, Molly noticed Richard’s interest in sex dramatically changed from always wanting sex to not being that into her. She confided to a friend who was certain he was having an affair.
“You’re attractive, you’re available, and he’s not having sex with you? What else could it be? Men always want sex unless they’re getting it somewhere else,” Molly’s friend told her.
But Molly just couldn’t believe her husband was having an affair. He was never a womanizer, was just as warm and loving as ever, was rarely anywhere but home when he wasn’t working, and when he was away on business trips, he always called and talked at night.
The only difference was that he never initiated sex.
In our first session, Molly started by thanking Richard for coming. She knew he was very busy, but she felt like she was going to go crazy if they didn’t figure out their sex life. She told him because of her lack of interest in her, she felt unattractive. She was working out in earnest, upgraded her wardrobe—including her lingerie. And in the last few months, had begun considering breast augmentation though that was the last thing she wanted for herself.
Richard was very reassuring that he was still very, very attracted to his wife. He felt they had a great marriage. When asked about his decreased interest in sex with Molly, he downplayed it. He thought she was exaggerating how much he used to want sex and how little he seemed to want it now. He agreed his desire for sex had waned but attributed it to working too much, being stressed with all his responsibilities, and maybe he was just getting older and had lost his “teenager obsession with sex.”
They agreed they had sex about two or three times a month. Molly, though, felt like they only had sex when she “practically forced him to,” while Richard insisted he initiated as often as Molly.
I asked how often each of them masturbated. Molly indicated that throughout the marriage she probably masturbated once or twice a month usually when Richard was out of town and she was going to sleep.
Richard seemed upset by the question. At first he dodged it, saying that Molly had gotten angry at him several years ago when he told her that he masturbated fairly often so he didn’t want to “revisit that experience.” Molly acknowledged her anger before and described it as “some kind of foolish jealousy” that she had long since let go. Finally, Richard reluctantly offered that he masturbated “a few times a week.”
Molly was indeed angry about that. Before he was supplementing their sex life by masturbating, now he was neglecting her.
“Are you masturbating when I’m at home?” she asked.
Richard’s looking away and becoming speechless spoke volumes.
“Why wouldn’t you have sex with me?” she asked.
“Well you never seemed that interested before,” Richard said.
“Before when?” she shot back. “I’ve cried myself to sleep because you’re sitting in front of your computer supposedly working and turned me down yet again. I’ve come into your office in a sexy night gown, kissed you and asked you to come to bed so many times… and then you masturbate?”
Richard insisted it wasn’t on those particular nights, that many nights he was actually working late, and promised that he would become more attentive. They scheduled another appointment for a couple of weeks later.
I actually saw them a week earlier than we had scheduled. Frustrated and furious, Molly had decided to check the internet history on Richard’s computer. What she found was a shock for her and at least to some extent for Richard, too. Richard was apparently viewing internet pornography daily for long periods of time. Molly was able to show that he had spent on average 30 minutes a day for the three weeks that were stored in the internet history.
Richard was embarrassed and stunned. He seemed to genuinely have no idea that he was spending as much time as Molly was able to show. He admitted he had consciously lied or downplayed how often he was masturbating and using pornography because, as he put it, he didn’t want to hurt Molly.
As Molly correctly noted, Richard was not just trying to spare her feelings. He was trying to hide how often and for how long he used pornography. His use of pornography was not only causing him to avoid connecting with his wife it was stealing big chunks of his day.
When Richard began realizing his situation he had to admit that he was using pornography and masturbating in a compulsive manner. He admitted that he could see in retrospect that he desired pornography over sex with Molly. He was confused by this.
The desire to view pornography over the internet more than having sex with a real live person is somewhat confusing on the face of it. One way to understand it is that sex with an image is much simpler than sex with a spouse. Having sex with a spouse involves give and take, emotional connection, and can be fraught with the difficulty of sameness. Richard had begun exploring some novelty with pornography, had used as a way to supplement his sexual life with Molly, but had begun to prefer it because it was so simple.
Richard agreed to give up pornography—something he did quite easily, unlike a lot of men who have less longstanding sexual and emotional connections with their wives.
Within a couple of weeks he noticed some big changes. He found himself looking at Molly when she was naked more often, wanting to touch her, and ultimately wanting to have sex with her much, much more. He also noticed that he was more excited when they had sex.
Richard and Molly were relieved that their old sexual connection came back so easily when Richard quit using pornography. They agreed that in the foreseeable future Richard would only view pornography if he was sharing it with his wife.
Next time: I will offer a psychological view of the good and the bad of Pornography
