Ah, the two-working-parents household, where both parents work non-stop all day, and neither feels like the other notices. There’s a silent competition going on between them for the winner of the “Most Depleted” and the “Least Appreciated” award.
She works a full time job and maintains the upkeep of kids, home, doctors’ appointments, homework, school forms, carpools—essentially the CEO of the home.
He has a very stressful job that involves frequent travel. When he’s home, he’s exhausted, burdened by decisions he’s made—and still trying to make—and feels like he doesn’t know how to fit back into the routine established by his wife and kids.
She believes it doesn't even cross his mind to help with mundane kid-related chores, offer to make dinner or even start a load of laundry. She knows she could ask him to help, but a part of her wishes he would just step up to the plate and consider her needs once in a while.
He senses her resentment and resents her right back. Does she think he likes working around the clock, fending for himself in airports when storms cancel his late night flights home? Does she think he likes feeling as though everyone at home has an easy rapport, but he’s just a visitor who’s in the way?
She resents that when he’s finally home on a Saturday and has some energy, his first choice is to take off with his buddies and play golf.
How could he possibly care about her or the kids if, whenever he’s home, he’s preoccupied with work or running off to play golf?
He finds it curious she badgers him about never exercising, but when he finally has the energy to play golf, she complains.
When they hire a babysitter for a long awaited “date night,” they are onto their litany of charges against each other by the second glass of wine. Most times their arguments end with her telling him she feels unloved, followed by him rolling his eyes and wondering why everything is always about her.
“You never ask me about my day, or seem to care about what I do,” he says. “You don't appreciate the stress I feel or what I have to do to keep this family financially healthy!" Doesn’t she understand he’s doing this for the whole family?
She wonders why he doesn’t understand all she is asking of him is to be involved?
They wolf down their entrées in silence, pay the bill and go home.
She goes to bed alone, secretly hoping he’ll join her, apologize and then they’ll make love. He opens a bottle of wine alone in the den and wishes she’d come have a glass with him. He wants to start the evening over and then make love.
Both are too stubborn to make the first move to reconciliation.
Eventually, they quit getting sitters, quit going on dates, quit having sex and become Comfortably Numb. Neither one is paying attention to how close they are to becoming another infidelity statistic.
At work, a new man is fascinated by something she has accomplished and tells her so. He notices her family picture and asks about her kids. As she talks, he listens to her intently. They laugh together the way she and her husband used to. Eventually they plan to meet for lunch away from work.
On the plane, a woman sits next to him. She too has had to change planes for the second time that week. She listens to him talk about his job. She seems to genuinely care about his life (unlike you-know-who). When the plane lands, they exchange phone numbers.
The couple in this column is engaged in the painful dance of many working couples. Both are consumed by their family’s needs and mounting financial pressure, all the while feeling neglected by their spouse.
Sound familiar?
I regularly see couples like this in my practice. In my next column, I will discuss the dramatic paradigm shift that needs to happen to ward off apathy, infidelity, disconnection and divorce.
Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist. Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.
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