Recall from last week’s column that our linebacker enjoys cuddling and having infrequent sex, while his wife, our librarian, is not happy because she wants regular and lustful sex. When they finally come to me for therapy, they are both hurt and angry and refuse to initiate any physical closeness with one another. They are no longer nurturing each other with warm, positive everyday comments because of their alienation; effectively punishing each other for having different levels of desire for sex. The problem that started in the bedroom now fills the house and over time, could be a recipe for detachment, affairs and possibly, divorce.
How does a couple with two very different sex drives find marital happiness?
Five things need to happen:
• Stop the Bleeding.
The first thing this couple needs to do (or any couple dealing with this issue) is immediately stop the on-going battle of words that is causing deep wounds to develop. One thing that might help is taking time out for an official “date” to do something mutually rewarding where you don't discuss your anger and frustrations.
The decision to go to therapy together (as opposed to continuing the wounding) helped this couple staunch the bleeding.
• Replace Anger and Hurt with Empathy.
For the linebacker and the librarian, empathy needed to replace anger and hurt. This took place in therapy as we explored childhood issues and their sexual histories. By doing this in front of each other, they were able to view their partner through a more accurate and forgiving lens.
As the youngest of five children, the librarian received little attention in her family. Her father was a workaholic and her mother was overwhelmed by the demands of parenting. By the time the librarian came along, there “wasn’t much love left,” she said in a therapy session. She was a depressed teen until she discovered that flirting and having sex with boys got her a lot of attention and made her feel loved. As an adult, she (like her parents) became a worker bee. In addition to a 50-hour a week job, she volunteered for nonprofit organizations on weekends, kept a spotless house and tended a garden which required daily upkeep.
Sex, which had saved her from loneliness as a teen, was her only respite from her non-stop work life.
Like his wife, the linebacker was a workaholic. As a kid he was the boy who “got things done,” since his father often disappointed his mother by “promising everything and delivering nothing.” If there was a job to be done, he did it before his father could let his mother down. By making his mother’s life easier, he was rewarded with her affection and attention.
He vowed to be different than his father, and he was.
Through this process of uncovering their pasts, this couple could see how well they fit together, in spite of their different sexual appetites. Both gained their identity through self-reliance and hard work. The difference was the linebacker got significant attention and love within the family, while the librarian got attention and love outside the family through her sexual trysts with boys.
• Courage.
Insight doesn’t always fix things. Even though the couple understood the history of their differences, things still did not go well when they bumped up against their differing desires. That’s when the courage had to come into play.
The librarian has to have the courage to initiate sex even at the risk of being turned down. The linebacker has to have the courage to initiate tender physical closeness and to say, "No," even at the risk of upsetting her.
• Self-Care.
Since both the librarian and the linebacker are “Do-ers,” they’re not good at just “Being.” The librarian has to learn other ways to relax such as exercise, walking and taking long baths. The linebacker needs to stop using food for comfort (since he’d gained 50 pounds which was making him feel decidedly un-sexy) and learn to chill without guilt.
• Sex Night. (It’s Business Time)
To help the couple with the tricky business of initiating sex, I asked them to establish a "Sex Night." (From experience, I can tell you no one likes this idea.)
“What about spontaneous sex?” the couple asked.
“By all means, have spontaneous sex as often as you want,” I said. “But choose a night that is your “Sex Night” and honor it. You can always be spontaneous on that night.” For busy couples or those who are avoiding sex, “Sex Night” forces you to deal with one another.
As typically happens, the linebacker and the librarian had some bad “Sex Nights” before they fell into a pattern that worked for them. On those nights, they each took individual responsibility to be rested and relaxed which allowed both of them to cope with the disappointment of the other’s approach to their intimate life.
Each of them learned to reduce their stress, particularly on “Sex Night.” Both became less into getting things done and more focused on taking care of their bodies, their health and just “being.”
With their sex life in better shape, the marital bond re-emerged. The librarian was able to remember how much she appreciated the fact that her husband got so much done and was such a responsible partner. The linebacker was able to remember and admit how much he loved how comfortable his wife was sexually and how impressed he was that she valued that part of their relationship.
The last I time I saw the librarian and the linebacker they said they were very good about honoring Saturday night as their official “Sex Night” but still had very little spontaneous sex. Both began preparing for their sexual encounter throughout the day. They would quit working earlier than before and sometimes take a nap or go for a walk—whatever they needed to do to help them shift from "doing" to "being." Both noticed they would flirt more throughout the day knowing they were going to be having sex later. This shift allowed the linebacker to find and show his sexual desire and the librarian to enjoy physical attention and deal with her frustration when the sexual experience wasn't exactly what she wanted. The result? A deeper marital bond.
This is a case of two people who had a sexual desire discrepancy who were actually gifted lovers. At no point did either of them complain much about the other’s technique once they were having sex. This is not always the case as many times technique is at least part of the problem.
Please watch this video and see if you can identify ways each of the lovers is contributing to sexual problems.
HOMEWORK: After watching the video, brainstorm and list all the ways in which each lover in this video might contribute, or at least eventually contribute to the other’s lack of desire for sex.
Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist. Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.
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