The Linebacker and the Librarian

While it is completely natural for two people to vary in their level of interest and desire in sex over the course of a relationship, it is just as natural for couples to have a hard time working through the relationship strains generated by these differences.

Let’s go back to the couple I introduced last time, our linebacker and librarian. Recall that the linebacker wanted to cuddle rather than have sex, and his sexually frustrated wife was frequently upset by this.

It took several therapy sessions for them to be able to talk about their sex life in a rational way because both of them were so angry and hurt. Yes, she felt deprived sexually but what upset her more was believing his lack of interest in sex was really a lack of interest in her. She described him as “rejecting and controlling,” and even wondered if he was gay.

He felt like no matter what he did, his wife would never be satisfied sexually. He thought of her as “needy and smothering.”

Here’s how it played out in their bedroom: On nights when the librarian wanted sex, she would go to bed hoping her husband would get things rolling. She’d wait for him to initiate because she hated feeling rejected if he seemed disinterested in her advances. To her, cuddling was not foreplay; it was her husband’s endgame. She wanted him to seduce her with passion and lust, not tenderness.

On the many nights the linebacker would climb into bed and cuddle up to his wife, she would rarely take the next step—kissing or touching him because she was convinced he wanted to stop there. And that would only leave her craving more, long after he fell asleep. Even on nights when he desired sex, he wasn’t sure how to read her non-verbal signals because she showed no interest in him.

There were nights when they fell asleep without incident. But they also had just as many nights when they had loud and hurtful arguments. In the course of their clashes, she would frequently resort to name-calling and eventually threaten divorce. He would argue back before becoming quiet, withdrawn and defeated.

At the time this couple sought my help, neither partner wanted to initiate sex but their reasons for holding back were very different. Even so, the resulting arguments had upset the foundation of their relationship and rendered their sex life non-existent.

Many of us find ourselves in some version of the divide experienced between the librarian and the linebacker—frustrated by different levels of sexual desire and at an impasse.

In my next column, I will delve deeper into “the solution.” For now, let me hint that both are going to need a little bit of information about what may be going on inside each other’s heads, along with a peek into past issues that still lurk. As these things unfold, each must muster healthy doses of empathy for their partner and the courage to do the hard work necessary to fix their marriage and move forward.

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.