In my last column, I introduced a typical two-career couple. Both are angry and resentful because they feel under-appreciated and misunderstood. Their anger has led to apathy, distance, coldness and disconnection. They long for that deep closeness they felt when they fell in love, but they’ve grown too far apart to get it. They are ripe for an affair or a divorce.
I’ll tell you what their lack of connection is not about. It’s not the other’s fault. The problem is not “All men are…” or “All women are….” Making generalizations about each other based on gender allows us to avoid our role in the problem, limits our expectations of our spouse (denying them the opportunity to grow) and prevents us from finding real solutions.
The problem is typically three-fold:
1. A lack of focus and attention to the marriage
2. A failure to effectively communicate needs
3. A failure to view each other’s needs as being of equal value
The beginning to the end of marital disconnection involves a change in thought and old patterns.
Change in behavior/thought #1: Recognize that a conscious, healthy marriage takes work by both partners, and it is worth it.
People generally fall into two camps: they either believe the Hollywood-hype that if you find the right partner it’s wine and roses from there on out. When things get hard, they don’t think they should have to work at it. The other camp (typically children of divorce) are cynical about the institution of marriage. Since marriages are doomed to fail, why bother investing in it?
Change in thought/behavior #2: You are required to know, value and express your needs and wants clearly (instructions below).
This will require both insight and courage! As much as you may desire it, your spouse cannot (and should not) read your mind.
Remember our couple from last week? Neither told their spouse what was important to them. She wanted him to help with chores, be more involved with the family, join her in bed and to do it all without her having to ask. She believed that if he truly loved her, he would intuitively know. “It’s not the same if I have to ask! Then he’s just placating me.” At the same time, he wants her to read his mind: to ask him about his work, to let him golf without guilt, and warmly invite him back into the fold after he’s been away. He’d never thought to actually express these wants out loud.
Often our desires are brought up during an argument and typically start with the words “You never….” “You always….” Usually they are generalizations that assure that the other will start defending themselves.
Try this instead.
Effectively Expressing Needs 101:
1. Timing matters. After 20 years together, my wife has finally learned not to make significant requests before my morning coffee or in the 9th inning of a Braves game. And I’ve learned not to bring up highly charged issues as she is winding down from a long day. You have to carve out a time to talk. If your husband avoids these talks, ask him to come up with the time and commit to it. Let him know you want your talk to bring you closer and that you are not signing up for a fight.
2. Watch the tone. I hear so much disdain and disgust between partners, it’s no wonder no one wants to do anything for anyone. If you make your request in the heat of an angry moment, your request will fall on deaf ears. You increase the effectiveness of your request by doing it in a calmer moment. This is true whether it’s about something as mundane as washing dishes or as intimate as how you want to be kissed. I know: when things are calm, why rock the boat? But letting your needs continue to go unmet will only add to the fire when they pop up again.
3. Eliminate distractions. Make sure the kids are in bed, the
4. Be specific. “I need you to be more supportive,” means something very different to you than to him. You may be thinking, “I wish I could just vent and he’d listen and then say, “Oh man, that sucks!” Instead your husband advises you about fixing the problem because to him that is being supportive. Describe in specific terms exactly what you mean: e.g. “When I bring up a problem, I’d like you to hear me out without telling me what to do.” Or instead of saying, “I do everything for our kids,” ask if he can get the kids up and ready for school two or three days a week. We men are teachable!
Change in behavior/thought #3: When your partner lets you know what he wants, listen…and do it.
Ask him to be specific. It’s only fair: if you want what you want, give him what he wants. For example, if he wants to connect through sex without a long talk first or a back rub first give it a try.
Being close physically may actually open up more intimate conversations. Many times men and women like to connect differently, and not always based on gender (remember the librarian and linebacker?) One may prefer a long talk to feel close: the other prefers getting close in physical ways. These are equally valid ways to achieve intimacy.
If you want him to step out of his comfort zone, be willing to step out of yours.
Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist. Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.
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