Do You Want to Have More Spontaneous Sex?

Why do happy, satisfied married couples have so little spontaneous sex? (My apologies to those couples that actually do have spontaneous sex. Perhaps you can write in and let us know how you do it?) 

The first obvious impediment to spontaneous sex is lack of time. Increasingly, we live in a world where our schedules rule. Who has time for sex when you are busy rushing kids to practice, calling clients or returning one last e-mail until the very moment your head hits the pillow? 

It’s not the way we should live while trying to maintain healthy relationships, but so many of us do it anyway.

Are you ready for a change? Do you want to have more spontaneous sex? 

Here are a few suggestions:

• Make time for sex.

The first step is to make sex a priority. In my last column I suggested scheduling a time to have sex with your partner and calling it “sex night”—an evening when all of your time, energy and everything else is focused on having sex with your partner. Once you and your partner commit to a regularly scheduled time for sex, you’ll find it consuming your thoughts on those planned days. During dinner with the kids, you’ll steal glances with your partner across the table and perhaps, you’ll both begin to visualize being together. You’ll fantasize about what’s to come while you’re putting the dishes in the dishwasher, bathing the kids or folding laundry. Then, before you know it, you’ll be sneaking off earlier than planned for a tryst. Yes, a tryst of spontaneous sex.

• Let go of resentments.

To be present and totally immersed in the sexual experience you must let go of the tiny resentments that have kept you away from your lover. I’m not referring to big issues—such as adultery, financial distress, moving, conflicts with in-laws and kids. Instead, I’m talking about those small, little irritants that are a normal part of living with someone. Irritants like “I cleaned the kitchen on his night and what kind of thanks did I get?” or “I’m sick of picking up your socks!” Those little nit-picky issues can build up into an immovable barrier to intimacy. Consider letting go and trying to remember those things about your partner that made you fall in love with him so many years ago. Consciously shift your focus to the ways your partner shows his love: Did he make you coffee this morning? Did he stop at the grocery store on his way home? Did he unload the dishwasher or make the bed without you asking? Viewing him through this lens instead of the one you wear when his breathing is getting on your nerves will make it more likely you’ll want to get naked with him tonight.

• Get back in touch with your body.

Physical activity starts this process. Exercise reminds those of us who treat our bodies only like Brain-Carrying-Devices that we have a body with its own unique set of needs, desires and pleasures. By getting back into an exercise plan, you’ll get back in touch with your body and be more likely to find your way to a spontaneous encounter.

• Try to live more in the present.

Most of us tend to live too much of our lives “in our heads.” Whether ruminating about the past, worrying about the future, problem solving, making grocery lists, planning vacation or day-dreaming, we rarely actually experience the present moment. A busy, obsessed mind (unless you are lucky enough to be obsessing about sex) will decrease your awareness of the present and disconnect you from your body and your sex partner. 

In this way, our sex lives are a reflection of how we live our lives: outside of the present experience. Electronic devices only make this worse. I would suggest removing the TV from your bedroom as well as making your bedroom off-limits to your computer, iPhone and Blackberry. (If this all sounds a bit Buddhist, it is!) Going to bed needs to be all about cuddling, talking and being with your lover. Nothing else. 

During the day, actively practice awareness of the present moment. As you walk down the driveway to get the newspaper in the morning, sense the moistness in the air, feel the coolness on your face, hear the birds; breathe it all in. Throughout your day, tune in to all five senses, while becoming aware of your breathing and your heart beating. This is great practice for being sexually present.

• Let the light in.

So when the moment arrives, don’t do it in the pitch dark with your eyes glued shut. Let some light in. Get into all of your senses: listen to your breathing and follow each other’s movements. Use your sense of smell and taste. Aware of all of your senses, you will be in the present, connected to your own body and to your lover. Open your eyes and look closely at your lover. If your lover is looking back, that’s a moment of Real Intimacy.

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.