Know Your Man Better During Sex: Tips to Stopping Premature Ejaculation

Larry called for help with premature ejaculation (PE). He left a message saying he was convinced his wife was going to divorce him because of his “sexual issues.” When I met him in the waiting room he raced past me to my office and fell into his seat. He shook his head from side to side and struggled for words.

“I’ve put off getting help for twenty years,” he finally said. “I just couldn’t face it. I’ve had a problem with PE since my first girlfriend and I just thought it would go away.”

Larry then described a characteristic pattern among men who come for help later in life with PE. With his first girlfriend, he came too quickly during intercourse and soon started to avoid sex with her because he found his quick orgasm embarrassing. She broke up with him which he attributed to having a sex problem. With her and subsequent relationships, Larry was so fearful about coming too quickly that he only had sex when he couldn’t avoid it and had continued that pattern with his wife. 

He and his wife had been married for two years.  They had begun arguing often about sex. While he was very attracted to his wife, he never initiated sex which left her feeling that he didn’t find her sexually attractive. When she initiated sex, he would invariably come as soon as he entered her. Following his quick orgasms, he would become embarrassed and roll over and try to go to sleep.

Larry indicated that at first his wife was initially understanding of his quick orgasms but now she was furious. She felt like he wasn’t interested in her as a woman and was simply selfish, all he wanted to do was to have his orgasm and roll over and go to sleep.  

When they first argued about sex, Larry admitted to his wife that he was actually avoiding sex with her not because of a lack attraction for her, but because he knew he would come too quickly. He told her that his rolling over was out of embarrassment and that not only was he not going to sleep quickly he often tossed and turned until the wee hours replaying his humiliation.

At first his wife was relieved by this, but now, several months later with the problem still occurring she had decided that Larry’s problem was “complete self-absorption. “What about me,” she asked. “Did he ever think about her in all of this?” 

Since Larry seemed mystified by his wife’s reaction I asked him to view it from her perspective. Her husband never initiated sex. When they did have sex her rushed through foreplay erroneously thinking that hurrying to get to intercourse might help him last longer. When he had an orgasm, which was in fact pleasurable for him, his wife was left alone sexually unsatisfied and emotionally abandoned. While he was leaving her because of shame, he was in fact leaving her.

After Larry finished telling his story I had only ten minutes to try to help get off to a good start in slowing things down. I asked how often he masturbated (once a week) and how long it took him to orgasm when he masturbated (a minute or two). “ 

Is it because you’re so sensitive that you come that quickly when you masturbate?” I asked.

“No, I just try to get things done as quickly as possible,” he answered. 

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I’m kind of embarrassed to be masturbating in the first place.”

“So you’re embarrassed that you’re like everyone else in the world and occasionally having to masturbate?” 

“I guess,” he admitted.

“Well I’m going to try to change that because if we can change that we can help you gain more control over your orgasm. That’s what you want, right?” 

Larry nodded.

“Larry I’m going to ask you to commit to masturbating six of the next seven days. Do you think you can do that?” 

Larry looked at me with confusion.

“Not only that, I’m going to ask you to slow it down. I want you to masturbate and take your time. Linger over the feelings. If you feel like you’re getting close to coming I want you to squeeze your penis at the base and hold it for fifteen or thirty seconds. Until you feel your excitement go down significantly. When you start back, start back very slowly. I’d love you to be able to go through this over a period of about ten minutes before coming. You think you can do that?” 

Larry nodded slowly.

“Your wife thinks you’re selfish because you are in fact so preoccupied with your own orgasm that you don’t have a way of being present for her. This will start youon the road to being able to manage your orgasms so you can pay attention to her.” 

Larry smiled and agreed to accept his mission.

Next time I will tell you what happened when Larry and hundreds of men like him return to therapy. (click here to read)

The technique I described above is a first step toward using something called “the squeeze technique” to help men learn to better manage their orgasms. Also, in my next article I will describe the technique in more detail including how individuals and couples can add it to their lives.

Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist.  Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.