In my last column I introduced Richard and Molly, a couple whose sex life had all but disappeared even though other parts of their marriage worked well.
The reason that their sex life had dried up was that Richard was regularly using Internet porn to masturbate; he’d started to prefer this to sex with his wife. It was hard for his wife to compete with the instant and ready supply of vivid sexual images that allowed Richard to have complete control over his fantasized sex. Porn allowed him to control when and where he wanted it, the pace and the variations, without the complexities of navigating an emotional connection to his wife.
Because of the Internet with its smorgasbord of pornography, today the number of couples struggling with this problem has increased dramatically. For folks who struggle with the give and take of relationships, are ambivalent about being touched, or flee from emotional closeness, pornography offers an easy substitute for the real thing, without the difficulty of working through tough psychological or relationship challenges.
In fact, Richard actually enjoyed physical and emotional closeness with his wife, yet the pull of pornography was a potent force. I’d be willing to wager that he would not choose masturbation over sex with his wife were it not for the ready supply of free porn available.
So a first question is: What do we humans get from real sex with a live human being that we do not get from internet porn? Physical touch. The feeling that we are pleasuring another and allowing our lover to pleasure us. Emotional vulnerability and the connectedness that fosters a deep, soul-level relationship.
In Richard’s case, we had to uncover why he was avoiding (or giving up trying to have) these experiences in his marriage. For Richard and Molly it turned out that old resentments and daily priorities and conflicts were at the heart of the problem. Richard had to quit masturbating to porn, however, before we could get below the surface and discover these. Whether the problem is related to the couple’s struggles or individual unconscious forces, or both, therapy can only help to uncover and resolve these issues when the addictive behavior is given up.
It’s also useful to ask whether Internet porn – given its potential for abuse and the damage it can cause a relationship – is a bad thing?
There are many who’d answer a resounding Yes because they may have suffered directly or indirectly because of this problem. But I would argue that pornography is not a bad thing any more than alcohol is a bad thing. Most of us can agree that alcohol itself is neither a good thing nor a bad thing (although try telling that to a family who has been wrecked by alcoholism). We know that, when consumed in moderation, the antioxidants in alcohol may help prevent cancer, heart disease and other health concerns. (Not to mention that alcohol in moderation is one of the finer pleasures of life!) The key is learning to manage alcohol use so that it does not become a physical or mental health hazard.
When consumed in moderation, pornography can actually be a positive thing in peoples’ lives. First, pornography offers vivid images of sexual situations that allow men and women to indulge in more pleasurable and interesting masturbation experiences than their imaginations may allow. Pornography can be a therapeutic tool for men with premature ejaculation or women who have difficulty with sexual arousal or orgasm. It can be freeing (or “permission giving”) for those who grew up with shaming messages surrounding sex or their bodies to see people of all different body types enjoying themselves sexually.
Of course, like alcohol, there is the cheap rot-gut kind that makes you feel sick afterwards and then there is fine wine. Porn that is degrading and reinforces harmful sexual stereotypes may not be healthy or appealing. Some women feel pressured to re-enact scenes from porn in order to keep their man interested even if it makes them very uncomfortable. If someone is continuing to use porn in spite of dire consequences like job loss, marital, or health problems, then that person needs to think of his use as a compulsion and needs treatment.
Using pornography can cause problems, no doubt, and the danger is greatest for those who already have emotional difficulties. If you are concerned about your own use, consider going to an individual therapist who is comfortable talking about this topic. If you worry about your partner’s use talk to them about it. Like Richard, they might not be straightforward at first because of the shame associated with it or even their protecting themselves from having to give it up. If you feel that they are not being honest you should insist that the two of you go to a qualified couples or sex therapist.
Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples’ sex therapist. Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.
