Cal came to therapy at the urging of his girlfriend, Anna. At first he stated that he wanted my help so that he could commit to marry. Anna had given him several ultimatums that had passed without change or follow through by Anna. After the last one, she said she’d only continue the relationship if he sought therapy.
Thus he sat before me. A few minutes after he indicated his desire to commit to Anna, he told me he wondered why she couldn’t enjoy their comfortable relationship the way it was. He found the relationship satisfying and comfortable, except for her urgency to get married. He smiled sheepishly when I noted that it’s hard to motivate a person to move when they are happy where they are. He assured me that he wanted to marry Anna, he just had some reservations.
Cal and Anna had been dating for three years. He had some things in common with other men I’d seen with “commitment issues.”
1. Most men who have trouble committing to marriage are super committed to their careers and have trouble prioritizing their relationships at the same level.
Cal worked tirelessly at his own accounting practice. He saw Anna mainly on weekends and usually worked on his laptop when they nested at home. He viewed social outings as opportunities to network and his friendships were almost exclusively with clients and associates.
2. Many men who have trouble committing are Type-A and highly responsible and thus envision a life where they do the “hard stuff” and their partner has it easy. They have trouble even knowing what they need in a relationship, let alone asking for it.
Cal was very giving and responsible in his relationship with Anna. He helped her with work projects, played Mr. Fixit around her house, taught her to keep a budget and was generally the ideal boyfriend. Cal tried to anticipate Anna’s needs and apologized profusely whenever she was upset with him. However, he rarely asked for anything from Anna or expressed any of his misgivings with her. In short, he asked for very little and didn’t get very much from her.
3. Most men who have trouble committing to marriage witnessed poor relationships growing up.
Cal’s mother ruled his house with a firm hand. Cal’s father was a successful small businessman who “did what he was told around the house.” Cal remembered his Dad as “a dead man walking.” He’d come home around 8 p.m., eat dinner, describe his grueling day then endure Cal’s mother complaining about everything he didn’t do right before falling asleep in his chair in front of the TV. Understandably, Cal felt very sorry for his father. He viewed marriage as a miserable place where a man gets stuck and loses his identity.
So, of course, that was Cal’s vision of marriage to Anna.
Because he’d never witnessed a mutually satisfying marriage where both partners maintained a strong personal identity, Cal believed the only way to maintain his sense of self was to stay single.
4. Many men who have trouble committing focus on future fears rather than on present feelings.
If I asked Cal what he felt, he would tell me what he thought. (The difference between thoughts and feelings is a fine but extremely important distinction for men to learn.) He was essentially trying to think himself into committing to Anna rather than pay attention to his heart or his feelings. Part of my task with Cal was to help appreciate the value of his feelings in his relationship decisions.
Early in my career I had a client named Jim who reminded me of Cal. We talked about his childhood excessively, went through lists of concerns about his girlfriend and even focused on conflicts at work. The only time Jim seemed uncomfortable enough to consider committing was when his girlfriend gave him another deadline, but his fears prevented him from listening to his heart. Finally she followed through on her millionth threat, ended the relationship and married someone else the following year.
So now I have a new approach to the problem of commitment. After several individual sessions, I asked Cal and Anna to come in for couple’s therapy. The new conditions were that Anna would not impose deadlines and Cal would embrace the goal of moving forward while learning to openly discuss his desires, needs and fears in the relationship.
Cal’s ability to ask for what he wanted instead of simply complying with or resisting Anna’s requests and Anna’s new skill at giving Cal what he needed assured Cal that he would not end up as “a dead man walking.”
As it turned out, Cal and Anna married sooner than Cal might have wished but a year or so past Anna’s timetable. In the meantime, Cal learned to express his desires and feelings to Anna, which helped him feel safe enough to get married (since he now trusted he would not be re-enacting his parent’s relationship). Anna learned to listen to Cal without invalidating his concerns or assuming he was just trying to be resistant. I helped Anna understand that by giving up some control and allowing Cal to determine the timing of events, she was building a mutually satisfying arrangement, not “giving in to Cal’s ambivalence” as she had once viewed it.
Commitment to marriage is difficult for many people. The courage to explore memories and fears that keep them stuck while learning new relationship skills can allow them to envision and build a committed lifetime relationship.
Gerald Drose is an Atlanta-based couples sex therapist. He is a regular ShareWIK.com columnist. Visit Dr. Drose at Powers Ferry Psychological Associates, LLC.
